Captivated

"NO IT'S NOT KIDS!"

2010-06-30T12:08:00.005-04:00

Last night, I was unashamedly among millions of giddy and overly dramatic Twilight fans around the country at the midnight release of the third movie in the saga - Eclipse. I will not hold back in admitting that I was really excited to see this movie. I've been a lover of the books since they first came out and credit Edward, almost single-handedly, for being the catalyst in ending an unhealthy relationship. I know, it's pathetic but God works in mysterious ways, right? So as silly as this may sound, this story does hold a special place in my heart. :)

The theatre was packed, obviously, but we got there early enough to get pretty good seats. As soon as the movie began you could honestly feel everyone holding their breath, praying that this movie would not let us fans down as the first and second ones had. After the first scene, I was pretty confident that it would not disappoint! It was already head and shoulders above both Twilight and New Moon in acting, directing, special effects, lighting, camera work and just about every other thing that goes into making a movie! For the first time, you actually felt like Edward and Bella were really, truly, desperately in love with each other. Something that lacked in the previous films due to poor acting. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are actually dating now in real life, but who knows. That's really not important.

But wow, before I got into a scene by scene description of the entire movie (which I could easily do because I really did enjoy this film), I want to get to my main point.

Towards the middle/end of the movie, there is a part where Edward and Bella have the house to themselves. They are sitting on a gorgeous bed that Edward bought simply because Bella would be staying the night (vampires don't sleep so there was never a bed in his house before). Edward reminds Bella of his request for her to marry him. An institution that Bella has little faith in due to her parents marriage and divorce at a young age. Bella has refused multiply times before, but this time comes prepared with a "compromise."

She tells Edward that she will marry him, under one condition. "Anything you want," is Edward's response. Bella proceeds to move closer to Edward and to keep it somewhat PG rated ... seduce him. After a short, sensually charged kissing session Edward pulls away. Bella is upset and Edward notices. He assures that he does indeed want to... but is trying to "protect her virtue." He tells Bella that he knows it's "not a modern thing" but he wants to marry her first before having sex. Bella next line brings me to my point --

"No, it's not modern. It's ancient."

At that... BOY! Did some sirens go off in my head! What the heck kind of message is this sending to all of these young girls watching this movie?!!? I'm currently working with a group of middle school girls and it APPALLED me to think that they may watch this and get the impression that saving sex for marriage is an ANCIENT idea!

Well, apparently someone else in the audience was having the same thoughts because not a second after those words left Bella's mouth I heard a mother (from the sound of her voice) call out "No it's not kids!" The whole theatre started laughing so much that we missed the next few lines. I replied with an "Amen!" along with others who were both agreeing and mocking the comment, but most were in agreement with some quick cheers and clapping. I must admit, it was pretty hysterical and I was honestly glad that someone had to guts to proclaim truth in front of nearly a hundred people.

Ultimately, Bella does agree to wait until they are married and Edward officially proposes, very romantically if I do say so myself, puts a ring on her finger and lifts her up off the bed to twirl her around while accompanied by the uber romantic soundtrack which makes every girl in the theatre let out a collective "awwwwwwwww." I'm not usually one to fall for the cheesy movie romance but I was all smiles. I couldn't help it, it was just one of those magic movie moments like when Rose jumps out of the lifeboat to go back to Jack in Titanic or when Noah exclaims "It wasn't over! It still isn't over!" and runs to kiss Ali in The Notebook. I'll stop now, but you get the point. Moments like that touch the hearts of women because it's what we were created to desire! God created us to be captivating in the eyes of our husbands so when we see things like this, it grabs at us in a way that not many can even explain and most men will never understand.

But unfortunately, out current culture has been slowly but surely crushing the true nature of romance. Even in the examples I gave, Jack and Rose, Noah and Ali - neither were married and both had sex. I can't even recall a movie right now where a couple actually gets married before they have sex. All of the romance we see in our current culture is romance outside of marriage.

In some way, I'm very happy with the Twilight series and with Stephenie Meyer for actually following the proper timeline of a relationship. Yes, of course it's not perfect and there's many flaws with the Bella/Edward relationship but ultimately, they do wait until they are officially, legally married before they have sex.

It's sad to me that I have to mentor these young middle school girls and constantly battle against what they are seeing on T.V., watching in movies and hearing in music every single day. There was a time when it was looked down upon to sleep around. Not so much anymore. I was watching a show on abc family recently, who's new slogan is "a new kind of family," and a new kind of family they are! Every one of their shows is based around terrible morals and no boundaries. In the show I was watching one of the characters, a 15 year old girl, actually said to her 15 year old friend "If you haven't been together in that way, then how do you know you're actually together?"

Really? REALLY?! I was disgusted. I'm actually getting angry writing about it now. How dare these producers try to convince these girls who are barely more than children that having sex is just what you do when you're in a relationship?!

I'm aware that I can become overly passionate about things like this, but this is an issue that I have zero tolerance for and refuse to defend in any way. It is 100% wrong.

What happens when these girls do have sex and find out the harsh reality that it's not all sunshine and roses! What happens when they are destroyed by the boys that they give themselves to and don't understand why they feel so empty, alone and confused when they were led to believe that sex would complete them and make them feel loved and worthy. What happens then?

It's something that's been bothering me a lot lately, especially since starting this job and being around these incredible young women. I hate to think that any of them will be seduced by our culture and begin to believe these lies.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. If you know me well enough, you should know that I'm not saying this because I'm perfect and judging others who aren't. You know my story. You know where this passion comes from and you know that I am fully aware of the hope and restoration that Jesus Christ provides!

Girls -- realize what you're worth and don't settle for anything less than everything God has planned for you!

Living for Jesus.

2010-06-14T19:34:00.004-04:00

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

I remember when I first came across this verse in Philippians. I meditated on it for quite a while, trying to figure out exactly what Paul was saying. It's one of those verses that sticks with you, probably for good reason.

I'm currently reading a book called "Back to Jerusalem" about the Chinese church and their vision to bring the gospel to all of the unreached nations between China and Jerusalem, most of which are nations that persecute and directly oppose Christians. It's an incredible story of faith, determination and the power of our Lord. But perhaps the most amazing part of the Chinese church is that they are fully prepared to die for Jesus Christ. Most even expect to die! They take what Paul said thousands of years ago and live it daily! They find no other purpose in their lives other than to share the good news of Jesus with people who have never heard His name. If they die along the way, it was for Christ and therefore gives more glory to His name!

At church on Sunday, I heard something that seemed to explain this verse and the faith of the Chinese church. In so many words, if you wouldn't give up everything for Christ (your home, car, money, zip code, etc.) and if you're not willing to die in the name of Jesus Christ, then you have no idea what it is to LIVE FOR CHRIST!

If you won't die for Jesus, then you're not living for Him! It's really that simple.

That's not to say that we should all wish death upon ourselves. Quite the opposite actually. We should all wish for ourselves a life so filled with the love of Christ so we can share His name! But if God wants you to uproot your life and move to another country, another state, even just to the next town over... would you? Would you die to yourself and allow God to live through you? Would you accept His will for your life or would you refuse because you don't want to give up your country club membership? More extremely, would you say "yes," if asked if you believe in Jesus even if the result was death?

2010-04-22T21:29:00.001-04:00

Recently, I've been forced to face a deeply rooted issue. It's one of those things that you can ignore and still function normally but somewhere in your heart it's slowly eating away at your confidence and ability to look at life clearly. I'm not sure when this first developed in me. I could guess it was some time in middle school. Those few years were not easy for me, as they aren't for most kids. It's a time of insecurity and instability. Everything is changing. Mind, body and soul are going through a serious transformation. Those few delicate years can break someone easily and totally. Luckily, things were not that serious for me and I escaped with only minor scrapes and bruises but injuries none the less. If you'll allow me to be vulnerable for a moment, I can explain.

I had a close group of girlfriends during middle school. We did everything together, went to the high school football games, got ready for dances, went to the mall, had sleepovers, talked about boys... basically everything 13 year old girls do. We were best friends. But then suddenly, seemingly overnight, I was out. I was no longer "in the group." I had been replaced by someone else, simple as that. Perhaps the reason was that I did not have a boyfriend and all of them did. So not only did I have no friends but I had no boyfriend. For a 13 year old, that is the end of the world and it hurt me more than I would have ever admitted back then.

After middle school, things got a little easier. I had newfound confidence in high school and got through the first couple years without much incident. Junior year brought with it a little more struggle. First boyfriend meant first broken heart which of course brought out that insecurity again. Someone I believed would be there, if not forever then at least for more than a few months did not want me anymore. Blah blah blah, it all seems so silly now but I took it pretty hard at the time. I now can look back and see that it wasn't so much that particular person that hurt me, it was the idea of being unwanted that really crushed me. That idea haunted me throughout the next four years.

I was abandoned time and time again during those years and every time, it hit me harder and harder. Why didn't anyone stay with me? Friends, boyfriends, mentors... no one stuck around. I tried so hard to make myself feel wanted. I dated the same boys multiply times because they would fight for me. I wanted to be fought for, even if it was only a game to them. Nothing made me happier than being pursued, even if I knew deep down that a relationship could never really work. All that mattered was that they said they wanted me. Regardless of how many times they got me only to leave me again, I still always eventually took them back. I was desperate to believe that this time things would be different and they would stay. Obviously, they never did.

People will always disappoint. No one is perfect. Even someone who you thought did everything right will make a mistake eventually and upset you. I guess what I'm learning from all of this is that you can't expect to find yourself in others. That's what I did. I tried to find myself in my relationships and friendships and when the person failed to meet my expectations and needs, I would fall apart. I was looking to them to hold me together and if they couldn't do that then I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't even know myself! I became a soccer fan, a baseball fan, a football fan, a skater girl, a hippie girl, a party girl, a drinker, a smoker, a lover, a lover of punk music, a lover of rap music, a lover of techno music, a classic novel reader, a poetry reader, a military book reader, considered transferring schools and even considered moving to a different state! Simply because of the relationship I was in at that moment! I wanted desperately to know who I was but I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't even sure what my favorite color was!

Flash forward to present time. I could write a book about all that happened to help me discover myself, but I don't really have that kind of time right now. So I'll just quickly tell you where I'm at now....

I'm Stephanie. I love sunsets, looking at the stars and sitting around a campfire. I read fantasy novels and classic literature. I like the beach but I'd rather be in a cabin surrounded by trees and mountains. I love to write and it's a small dream of mine to write a book someday. My favorite color is black because it's classic. I'll say I hate dressing up but really, I love it. I am a Christian. I love Jesus Christ and I live for Him every single day. He is the center and biggest part of my life. In Him, I find myself.

When others were not loyal to me, when they abandoned me and hurt me, Jesus never left my side even for a moment. Even when I was anything but loyal to Him, He was true to me. And that, my friends, is what this life is all about.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. - Colossians 2:6-7

Being a Disciple of Jesus.

2010-04-21T07:13:00.003-04:00

Discipleship has always been an interesting topic to me. What is a disciple? How do you disciple others? Who is fit to disciple? How can you be a good disciple? What is required for a discipleship to be beneficial? So I began studying discipleship in the Bible. I looked at what Jesus asks of His disciples and in turn what He promises them as His followers.

The first thing I noticed was that Jesus says the words "follow me" a lot. He doesn't just say "believe in me," although obviously believing is the first step... He says follow me. He tells everyone and anyone to believe in Him. John 5:24 "...whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me..." John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said..." Anyone can believe in God. He throws that out there for the world. If you believe, you will be given eternal life, a beautiful, wonderful, amazing, gracious gift from our Father in Heaven. But who does He tell to follow Him? His disciples.

"The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, He said to him, "Follow me." - John 1:43.

"And Jesus said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of me." - Mark 1:17.

"And when He had spoken this, He said to him [Peter], "Follow Me!" John 21:19

I looked up what the word "follow" means in Greek. "To be in the same way with, to follow after, close upon, to follow intently after." Intently, I loved that. We are called to follow Him intently. With purpose. Intentionally seeking Him. So already with my Greek dictionary open, I looked up the word "disciple." I wasn't really sure why I hadn't done this already since it was the main point in my study, but better late than never. It listed the obvious ones, "a learner, follower of a teacher, pupil," but what I found interesting was the last sentence in the definition. "After Christ's death and resurrection, the term disciple takes the broader sense of follower, believer, i.e. Christian."

To call yourself a Christian is to call yourself a disciple of Jesus Christ. And to call yourself a disciple of Jesus Christ means promising to follow Him, obey Him, love Him, trust Him, serve Him, have faith in Him, not be ashamed of Him, do as He did, honor Him and share His love with others.

Is it easy to be a disciple? I don't think so. It's much "easier" to live as the world lives and disregard all existence of something higher, something more meaningful, something deeper. But is it better to be a disciple? Oh yeah, it's the best thing we can achieve while we're here on earth. The world is a temporary place. It will disappear and all will be destroyed. But the glory of God will live forever. We will live forever if we are believers and followers of Jesus Christ! Death is a terrible thing but Christians rejoice in the fact that we are not created to die, we are created to live and to live forever with the One who created us!

In my opinion, being a disciple of Jesus is not simply believing. Even though that is all you have to do to receive eternal life, that is not enough for me. I don't want to just believe, I want to follow! I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, continually growing and learning in my relationship with Him.

Be still.

2010-04-16T14:42:00.003-04:00

Exodus 14:14 ~ The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Psalm 37:7 ~ Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...

Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still, and know that I am God...

Sometimes God just wants us to calm down and trust Him. He knows what He's doing.

2010-04-11T14:21:00.004-04:00

Is it bad to question God? I know He is all powerful, all knowing and controls everything in my life and in this world but am I totally wrong for wondering why He puts me in certain situations? Or why He puts things on my heart only to say "wait" and confirms His plans only to reveal a whole new path? Sometimes I wish Jesus would just knock on my door, sit down at the kitchen table and over a cup of coffee tell me exactly what He wants me to be doing for the next couple of weeks. Then in a couple weeks, we could repeat the process and I could get another set of plans. I imagine that I'd really look forward to those days drinking coffee with Jesus. He'd take His with three sugars and a splash of hazelnut creamer.

But I guess that would take out our need to seek Him. If He just showed up for a planned meeting twice a month would we have to get down on our knees and ask Him what He wanted for us? No, because we would just check the calendar and see that our meeting was scheduled for the 12th of May at 10:00am and go about our daily routines making a mental list of things to go over with Him on May 12th.

He wants us to continually, constantly and consistently be in His presence, asking for His guidance. Desperately seeking His truth and knowledge every day of our lives. And even if we don't agree, even if we think we could do it better... we obey. Because in the end, I promise you that His ways are always better than ours.

So yes, I guess I do question God sometimes. I question His reasons for allowing me to meet people that I love with a piece of my heart that isn't often awakened, only to pull me away and place me on a separate continent. I question why He put my friends all the way across the country and I question why He isn't providing me with a steady job. But I've never questioned His ability to know more about my life than I could ever imagine. And no matter how much I question Him, I will always trust Him. With my future, my life, my money, my relationships and my heart - I will always trust Jesus above anyone and anything else.

Let It All Out

2010-03-29T21:00:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite songs is "Let It All Out" by Relient K. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I only just realized the song was more deeply about Jesus than it was about a relationship. I can remember the exact moment that I finally understood the true meaning of this song. I was in Kenya, in a shuttle on the final leg of my journey back from Meru. I made a playlist of songs to get me through the next six to seven hours and put this song on there. It was raining and I was looking out the window at the countryside when I really heard the lyrics for the first time.

"And you said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

I love how you can listen to a song or read a verse a hundred times and then one day, it just hits you. It comes alive. It finally means something. On that rainy day of traveling in Kenya, God spoke to me the exact words I needed to hear.

Instead of hearing the song as I had every single time before, as a love song intended to convey the pain and struggle during a fight or break up, I heard a conversation between myself and Jesus.

He said "I know that it hurt, but if I didn't break your heart then things would have only gotten worse."

I said "I know, but it was a lot to go through. You understand that, right?"

He said "It was a heavy burden to bear, but it was worth it! You are here now! I have you back in my plans and in my arms."

My turn around was not easy and yes, it was painful but the outcome was better than I ever could have asked for. I got a whole new life! A new heart. A new mind. If it weren't for that pain, I cannot honestly say that I would have ever been able to receive those things. I lost a lot but I gained so much more! In the end, God used what Satan intended for evil, for good.

Now, every time I hear that song I remember my conversation with Jesus and why He had to break my heart... in order to save it.

"Reach out to me. Make my heart brand new. Every beat will be for You, for You."

2010-03-21T21:51:00.003-04:00

I'm in a strange season of life at the moment. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm relying on God to provide or being straight out lazy. I need something to do and I need a job. Since I've been home, I have completely rearranged my room. I've cleaned it better than it's been cleaned in years. I finally went through my closet and got rid of the clothes I haven't worn since the 9th grade and threw out bags of unnecessary things that I had stored up on shelves and in drawers. Great, right? Yeah, well as nice as it is to have a clean and organized room, I can't just keep cleaning my room for the next five months. I hate being lazy! But I feel like that's all I've been doing here at home since I came back from school last May. I've been in and out of the country so much in the past eight months that I didn't really noticed how much my lack of having a job would affect me. Not only financially, but mentally and emotionally as well. We are warned to avoid idleness and unfortunately that it exactly what I am right now. Idle. Ugh, I hate to even say it but it's true.

Thankfully, I've just been given a small cleaning job that should keep me busy for a few days at least. My excitement about doing work was more of a gift from the Lord than the work itself. The past few days, I've been battling with whether or not I am simply a lazy person or if the right job just hasn't come up yet. When I felt truly joyful about being able to work, it was God showing me that I don't want to be lazy and that when a job is made available I will be happy to work. I know that He will provide me with the perfect job. I have no doubt about that, it's just a matter of when. Unfortunately, patience was never exactly my strong suit... but maybe that's just one more thing Jesus will teach me in this season.

2010-03-17T17:38:00.008-04:00

Community.

This is how the dictionary explains it...

-"A group of people having common interests."

-"Sharing, participation and fellowship."

- "A social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within it exists."

-"A group of men and/or women living a common life according to a rule."

This is how I explain it...

Teamwork.
Instant bonding.
Respect.
Laughter.

Friends.

I haven't seen some of these people since November. It breaks my heart to say that I don't know when I'll see some of them again. I'm not sure why God brings people into our lives, only to take them out much too soon. My only hope is that they have all loved knowing me as much as I have enjoyed them.

On May 5th, I'll be flying out to Reno to spend two weeks with quite of few of the people I was in Kenya with, along with quite a few people I was not in Kenya with but already feel connected to due to all of our personal ties to Transformed International. I'm ridiculously excited! I miss my friends and I'm looking forward to making even more. I just wish I didn't live all the way across the country and could visit more often!

Malindi #4 - The Final Installment.

2010-03-09T13:49:00.002-05:00

Malindi is filled with poverty, prostitution and brokenness. You would think that in a place so dark, organizations and missionaries would be jumping at the chance to work there... but there is no one. It is a tourist town, seemingly well-off and established but if you dig just a little deeper than the high-class restaurants and night clubs, you will find devastation unlike anything else in Kenya. Malindi is home to a community of forgotten people.

As I was walking through Majenga, I felt the heaviness of empty lives. It brought me back to something I had written in my journal during my sophomore year in college. I don’t have my journal right next to me, it’s in America and I’m sitting in a Java House in the Nairobi airport, so I don’t know exactly what I wrote but it was something along the lines of “I feel so empty yet so heavy.” Heaviness and emptiness are not two things that are usually put together. If something is heavy, it means it is filled with something. If something it empty, it is light and easy to carry. But a life of sin is exactly that – heavy and empty. Sin was surrounding us that night as we walked through the alleys and roads lined with boarding houses occupied by prostitutes and the men who had purchased them. At one point, we walked over to a few women who were sitting on the steps outside of their house chewing on mirra and drinking tea. They were laughing and joking around and seemed to be enjoying themselves. We asked them what they were doing and they replied that they were getting ready for work. I was silent. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would start screaming. These women were getting ready to sell their bodies and they didn’t seem to care at all.

We walked around Majenga for about half an hour. Martin pointed out all the boarding houses to me and after a while I just told him to stop; there was a boarding house every ten steps. We exited the area of Majenga and not two minutes later, Daniel called Nate’s phone. He told us that he had been feeling really heavy for us in the last half hour and wanted to check and see that we were okay. Obviously, Satan isn’t messing around if Daniel could feel what we were feeling all the way across the country.

We sat on the major strip in New Town Malindi for a little while after leaving Majenga. New Town is where all the touristy things are, the nice hotels, restaurants and night clubs. It is where we spent most of our time when we went to Malindi during the internship program. Going back to it that night was a whole different experience. I saw things that I didn’t see before, felt things that I didn’t feel before and realized how blind I must have been back in November when I was first here. I watched the prostitutes walk by in their short skirts and barely there tank tops. They were all smiles, eager to get paid a few thousand shillings that night. I wondered how they felt the next morning, waking up at 4pm, showering, getting something to eat and getting ready for another night. Were there depressed? Angry? Did they ever say to themselves “I can’t do this anymore”? Or had they become so hardened and shut off from their emotions that they just went through their cycle of life like it was any other. Like you would get up and get ready to go to classes, or pick up your kids from little league, or go out with your boyfriend or girlfriend for dinner and a movie… this was their life. It reminds me of a Proverb in chapter 5 about the adulteress.

“She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.”

I remember when I first read that, I didn’t think of the girls I had met earlier, Mercy, Neema, Leena… I thought of these women, smiling and laughing. Mercy knew she was wrong, Neema didn’t want to be a prostitute, Leena prayed for a better life. But these women knew nothing of their sin. It seemed as though no one had ever told them that they had other options. These women were described exactly in Proverbs. “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.” – Proverbs 5: 3-5. “She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.” – Proverbs 7:11. These women were prostitutes through and through.

It was a long night and we went home earlier than expected. Exhaustion was taking over, both physically and spiritually and we all just wanted to rest.

The next day we went to the woman we first visited after arriving in Malindi. She had prepared us lunch and it was delicious. After eating, I got a chance to ask her some questions about herself and about prostitution in general. She told me that she had been in a relationship when she was still in her home town of Nakuru. She had been engaged to be married to him when she became pregnant and he left her. She had owned a shop that sold shoes and when he left her, he took everything with him. She came to Malindi to find work to support her baby. I asked her more about her ex-fiancé. She was open with me when I asked personal questions. It felt like I was talking to a friend and she seemed to feel the same. She told me that she thought she loved him but was now unsure if love was even real. I was beginning to see a theme here. Kenyans don’t want to believe in love. “Why don’t you believe that love exists?” “It just doesn’t seem possible for someone to love you forever. People always leave.” I asked her if I could share some of my story with her and she said yes. I told her how I had thought I was in love before but the boy left me just like her fiancé left her. She looked at me as if to say “see, I told you love isn’t real.” “But I still believe in love, he was just the wrong person,” I continued. She looked surprised. I tried to explain to her that just because our hearts get broken by one man, doesn’t mean that they have to stay broken. We can heal and we can find real love. She looked away from me and looked to the sky. I imagine that she was either thinking I was crazy or that I might be on to something. After some more girl talk, we all said goodbye and I headed back to Maweni.

The rest of that third day in Malindi was occupied by a fairly substantial event. But it is not my story to tell. It might be blogged about by Nate (www.mymannafortoday.blogspot.com) eventually, but if not then let me just say that Kenya is a country of corruption, deception and lies and it is hard to trust the people here. Unfortunately, we had to experience that first hand.

On our last night in Malindi, Sarah expressed to me several times that she would miss me. I was surprised to feel that I would miss her too. I had begun to feel at home in Maweni. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to live there and not just visit. I pushed the thought away. I was getting ahead of God and rushing to conclusions. Just because I felt at home in Malindi, didn’t mean that Malindi would someday be my home.

That night Sarah announced to me and Nate that she didn’t want to go to sleep because then she would be waking up and we would have to leave. So Nate, Sarah and I stayed up and talked until around 3 in the morning. She asked us questions, told us stories and shared her opinions on some pretty serious issues. That night and early morning is one of the best memories I have from all of my trips to Kenya.

We left Malindi early on the morning of Friday the 26^th and spent over twelve hours on a bus heading back to Nairobi. Obviously, I had a lot of time to think and talk to God. The only conclusion I came to on that bus ride was that God wanted me in Malindi that week. He wanted me to meet those girls and hear their stories. I don’t know exactly why. I don’t know if He wants me to go back to Malindi someday. I don’t know when or if He’ll bring me back to Kenya. I don’t know if I have a ministry there. What I do know is that right now God is calling me back to America to finish school, so that is what I am going to do.

This has been the most incredible year of my life. From last March until now, my life has not slowed down even for a moment. I have been on a whirlwind of adventure, transformation, restoration and rebirth. I have spent more time in Africa than in America over the past eight months and I forget what it is like to spend more than two months at home. I haven’t truly lived in the United States in a long time. I’ve simply been visiting between trips to Kenya but now, it is time to go home. I look forward to seeing what is in store for me and what God will have me do next. I’m excited to begin a whole new adventure.

THE END :)

Malindi #3

2010-03-07T10:37:00.002-05:00

On our second day in Malindi, Andrew and Scott walked around town while Nate, Martin and I met with the group of girls that Sarah brought together for me.

I’ve been sitting here for a while now trying to figure out how to best describe that afternoon. I’m having trouble putting into words the things that were going through my head while I was sitting in that room. I was surrounded by women who willingly sold their bodies to men who didn’t even know their names. The intensity of it all was hard to handle at first. The emotion in some of their eyes was devastating, but what was worse was the lack of emotion in the eyes of the others. You could immediately tell which girls were lost in the lifestyle and which ones still clung to hope of a better life.

Mercy was one that still had hope. I noticed her immediately after I walked into the room. She was tall, slender and absolutely beautiful! She wore a long pair of plaid shorts and a thin strapped tank top with her hair covered by a red bandana. If you saw her walking on the streets during the day, you’d probably assume she was just out grocery shopping. At night, I’m sure you would get a different impression.

But before I go into more detail about Mercy, let me tell you about some of the other girls. There was Leena, a 24 year old woman who was much taller than the other girls because her father was a Maasi (a tribe in a Kenya that most of you have probably seen on National Geographic or the Discovery Channel). She was sharp, direct and teetering on the edge of giving up hope and still fighting for a better life for her and her young child. She answered the majority of our questions and was very well-spoken. Again, if you saw her during the day in her baggy white, button-up shirt and skinny jeans, you would only notice her because of her height. She was just a girl like any other, nothing labeled her as a prostitute.

Then there was Maria. This girl in particular broke my heart. She did not speak. She rarely made eye-contact and her mother, who was in the room with us, didn’t even know how old she was but guessed around 17 or 18. Maria had been being used for sex since she was a young child. Her mother told us that she was “not normal.” I looked at the mother in shock and disgust and said “and you wonder why?” under my breath. This poor girl never had a chance to grow, mature or develop into a woman! She had her childhood stolen from her by her mother who used her body to make money. Maria’s facial expressions were that of a scared and curious toddler. She was a young adult, but acted like a baby. She wore an oversized, dirty set of pajamas and no shoes. Maybe she did have a minor mental disorder but being forced to perform sexual acts with men since childhood definitely did not help. Again, Maria didn’t speak to us the entire time so we did not get to hear her story but just by looking at her, you could tell that it probably would not have a happy ending.

Neema… Neema was wearing a pink dress that looked like something a elementary school aged girl would wear to a birthday party. It was sparkly and frilly and not something you would wear at age 22 in the middle of the day. But it was her only item of clothing. She had nothing. She had no home, no belongings and all she carried around with her was a few hygiene items and her medication. Neema had HIV and it was clear that she was not coping well with the disease. “I came to Malindi to get a job, but instead I got AIDS,” she told us through her tears. She cried almost the entire time and simply put – she was a mess. She said something that surprised me though…. “Jesus is there. He is around. I still believe He loves me.” After she said that, Nate and I exchanged glances. Did this mess of a woman, who looks like she could honestly die any day now and is living a life so void of happiness and love just say that she still believes in Jesus? I was in shock. I was thrilled to hear it, but still… in shock. Neema was struggling in ways that the other girls were not. Because of her HIV, she had trouble getting customers. No one wants to sleep with a woman with HIV. She did not want to be a prostitute but she assumed that she had no other choice. And now, even that was failing her. I don’t know what will happen to Neema. I can only pray that her faith in Jesus will bring her joy in her remaining time on earth.

Elizabeth was the oldest woman in the room at age 30. She reminded me of back-country trailer trash. She was crude, loud and disrespectful to herself and others. But still, my heart ached for her. She said multiply times that it was because of their problems that they were in prostitution. Their problems included having to provide for themselves and usually a child. She had given up hope. I asked her what she would do when she was too old to be a prostitute and men would not buy her anymore. She shrugged. All she knew was that that night she would be out on the streets offering her services for a few hundred shillings. Elizabeth was a prostitute for the Africans, not the Italians who pay thousands of shillings for a night with a woman.

The Italians are number one. They are who you strive to get as “customers” but they are picky. They only want young, skinny, beautiful, clean girls. If you are a little heavier, which is natural for most Kenyan women, the Italians will not want you. If you are not stunningly beautiful, they will select someone else. Many of the girls expressed that one of the hardest things about prostitution is the rejection they feel when men do not want them. Leena said that they will actually line girls up sometimes and choose which one they want. The others are left feeling inadequate and still in need of money for that night. Unfortunately, because of their desperation these girls will do anything the Italians request in exchange for a few thousand shillings (usually anywhere between $36 and $100). They shared with us some of the things the men will make them do. I won’t repeat any of it here because I don’t think I could even stomach having to write it out. As if these girls were not degraded enough having to sell sex, these perverted men made things a million times worse.

As our time came to an end and the girls began to get up and gather their things to leave, I thanked everyone for being there and then quietly asked Mercy if I could speak to her for a moment. During our time with the group, she had shared that she was in a relationship with an Italian man for a couple of years prior to becoming a prostitute. She became pregnant and the man left her immediately. In her own words… “He destroyed me.” When I heard her say that, I knew I had to speak to her one on one. She agreed to talk with me and we went across the alleyway and stood next to a small shop. I asked her more about the Italian man she was dating. “He told me that he loved me and would be with me forever,” she said in broken English. I asked her if she thought he truly loved her. “I thought so but no, he did not. I do not believe in love. It does not exist.” “So did you think you loved this man?” “I thought I did, but I know now that I did not. Love is not real.” The verse from 1 Corinthians came to my mind… “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Maybe Mercy had some faith and I know she definitely had hope, but she had no love. The greatest gift we’ve been given is absent in her life, as well as the lives of most of the others. I connected with Mercy. In some small way, I felt her pain. I understood the hurt and the destruction caused in her life because of that man who left her. “He told me he would love me forever,” rang in my head over and over. I had heard those words before. “I will love you forever.” The pain that I had healed from came back for a moment as I looked into her eyes. I felt like I was looking into a mirror at myself from two years ago.

I then asked Mercy if she was looking for a real job. She replied that she was but that she didn’t have an ID so no one would hire her. Where she was from, a small village near Meru, no one needed identification and now she did not have the money or means to get one. After that, Mercy had to leave because she was going to go wash someone’s clothes for a little bit of money. I was so glad to hear that she was looking for money in places other than prostitution but it upset me that something as small as not having an ID was forcing her to sell her body so she could feed her baby. I urged her to keep looking for other jobs and hugged her goodbye.

I walked away from that conversation and straight into another with Neema as she ran to me and pulled me down to sit next to her. I could tell she was desperate to speak to someone who cared. I asked her how she was. “Fine. I’m fine,” she barely managed to get out before the tears started again. “You don’t look fine, Neema.” She then called Martin over to translate for her so that she could talk more freely instead of having to speak in English and leave things out because she did not know the words. We talked for a little while about how sad she was and how hard her life had become since getting HIV. She didn’t ask me for anything, she just wanted to talk. I asked her again about her faith in Jesus. “I know He loves me. I know He’s real.” “Do you believe that He can save you?” “Yes, I do! I know He can.” Her hope was contagious. She had nothing. Absolutely nothing! Yet, here she was saying things that some Christians have a hard time believing. Jesus has the power to save. Unfortunately, she soon after told me that sometimes she just wants to kill herself. I put my hand on hers and looked her straight in the eye and told her that suicide was not an option. She nodded in agreement.

It was a lot to take in in one afternoon and I was feeling the weight of it all. But still, I had peace. Something in me connected with those girls in a way that I had never connected with Kenyans before. I felt myself becoming emotionally invested, which isn't a normal thing for me. I knew that my compassion was coming directly from God.

I spent the rest of that day mulling over everything I had just heard and preparing myself mentally and spiritually to walk through Majenga, the major prostitution area, later that night.

TO BE CONTINUED…

(I know, I know.. it's a lot!)

Malindi #2

2010-03-06T11:18:00.004-05:00

It was around seven in the morning when we arrived in Malindi and it was already HOT and HUMID. I was prepared for this but it still surprised me how much I was sweating after standing in one spot for five minutes. The bus ride had been long and I didn’t get much sleep but I was feeling good about being there and excited to get settled in where I would be staying. Martin, a 24 year old Kenyan guy who befriended Nate and Scott during their time in Malindi earlier in the year, came with a tuk-tuk to pick us up and bring us to his home.

We were staying in a place called Maweni, a slum that is within walking distance of the beach. Martin’s family’s home was on the very edge of the slum and a lot nicer than the other houses in the area. It was constructed out of bricks made with coral, which is what most of the buildings are made of in Malindi. It had three bedrooms, a sitting room, a small kitchen and an even smaller washroom. We were greeted by Martin’s 19 year old sister, Sarah, who I would be sharing a room with. She was sweet, friendly and spoke English better than most people I’ve talked to in Kenya. I liked her right away.

After washing with a bucket of water in a tiny room that also served as the toilet (a hole in the ground), I helped Sarah prepare a breakfast of chai and buttered bread. The boys were off washing at Martin’s place, a room that he rents about two minutes away from his parents home, and I thought it might be awkward being alone with Sarah because we had just met twenty minutes ago. I was wrong. She was very talkative and so funny! I had a great time getting to know her and we learned that we share some common interests – Titanic and Celine Dion! She told me how she volunteers with the Kenya Red Cross to keep busy while she is waiting to go to college. She has been out of high school for a few years now but she has to wait for her older sister to finish college before she can go because her family is only able to support one child at a time. She is a bright girl and hopes to someday get her Masters Degree in Communication and become a news anchor. Normally when Kenyans have these dreams, there is little to no hope they will ever achieve them but with Sarah, I think there is actually a possibility that we may see her announcing the news one day. She openly told me that she wants refrain from being idle because many girls have gone into prostitution because they are bored and have nothing to do. “God, did you just open a door for me in the first half hour of being here?! Thank you!” It was yet another confirmation that I was in the right place.

I asked Sarah if she had friends that she knew personally who were in prostitution. “Oh yes! So many! I have many friends in prostitution. They have nothing else to do so they watch pornographic movies and then go out at night and act out what they see in the movies,” she said boldly. “And these girls, they like getting money to have sex with strangers?” I asked her cautiously, not sure where the line would be drawn as far as how much was too much to ask. “They are usually high or drunk. They don’t care. They don’t realize what a gift their virginity is so they just give it away to anyone and then once it’s gone, they don’t see the point in worrying about who they have sex with.” Again, Sarah amazed me with her openness but I knew that these were things that God wanted me to hear so I kept asking question after question about prostitution and the girls involved. She answered every single one of my questions frankly and honestly. I learned a lot about prostitution that morning from my new friend, Sarah, and she even offered to set me up to meet some of the girls the next day.

That first day in Malindi is mostly a blur to me. We were all exhausted and the heat was draining what was left of our energy, but we were so excited to finally be there that it didn’t hold us back from jumping into what we had planned to do. Nate and Scott wanted to visit a friend they had made in January, so we took a tuk-tuk into town and walked to her home. She was sleeping when we got there because she had been up early searching for a job. This was the main reason why we were here. Nate and Scott had taken her out to dinner in January and while they were at the restaurant her boss saw her and thought that she was taking tourists to other hotels for business so she was fired from her job. Her other job was prostitution, but only out of desperation and only with people that she knew, never strangers and she has since stopped. I could tell as soon as I met her that she was a good person. She had a kind and gentle spirit. We only spent a short time with her before we had to go meet another Kenyan woman that the guys promised to visit. We made plans for have lunch at her home on Thursday and said our goodbyes.

After eating a dinner that Sarah had prepared for us, I was given a bucket of water to wash for the second time that day. You sweat so much in Malindi that you could take a shower every two hours and you still wouldn’t feel clean. It felt great to wash some of the dust and grime off of me but I was sweating again before I got into bed. As I was sprawled out on my thin mattress, not wanting any parts of my body touching, I finally had a chance to think and pray. Here I was, sleeping in a strangers home in the slums of Malindi, sweating nonstop, watching spiders the size of my palm crawl on the tin ceiling and I was loving every second! I felt completely at peace and I knew I was where God wanted me. I smiled as I thought of the awesome power He has to guide us into His perfect situations for our lives.

A lot of things clicked in my mind that night before I fell asleep. I began to understand the purpose of God bringing me to Kenya in the first place. I started to realize why He had allowed me to live in sin for years. It was all for His glory, so that I could bring His comfort, compassion and hope to women who may have already given up on finding joy. My heart was overflowing with God's love as I prayed for His guidance for our next day in Malindi. We would be meeting with the group of girls that Sarah was getting together and I had no idea what to expect. Would they open up? Would they think I was judging them? Would they get angry if I asked personal questions? I had never spoken to prostitutes before... but Jesus had and I trusted that He would give me the right words to say.

TO BE CONTINUED...

God's plan - Malindi #1

2010-03-03T03:04:00.003-05:00

I’ve discovered in the past couple of months that when God wants you to do something, He makes it happen. I’ve known since the beginning that this time in Kenya was going to be dedicated to me finding guidance and direction from the Lord. I didn’t have the slightest clue where God was going to lead me but I knew he would, so I listened closely.

I was sitting in an Internet cafe the day I was going to be leaving for Meru to visit Jackson when my Spirit became alert. I stopped what I was doing and prayed. “Jesus, what do you want me to do?” “Be ready.” Be ready? Be ready for what? Oh crap, is our night bus going to be robbed tonight? Am I going to have a crazy adventure courtesy of the Enemy? What do I need to be ready for? My mind raced all day. I just felt like I needed to be aware of something but I had no idea what to look out for.

It wasn’t until we got settled onto the bus and began driving that I shared with Nate how I was feeling. “I’ve been feeling the same way all day,” he replied. Great! So now I’m really nervous! I prayed a lot during that bus ride for safety and guidance. When we got to Nairobi, nothing had happened. The travel had been painless and easy as far as travel in Kenya goes. Confusion and frustration set in because I couldn’t find peace.

Still on edge, we sat down for breakfast at the Java House. During a conversation over French toast and lattes, my Spirit finally calmed. God wanted me to work with prostitutes.

My time in Meru was spent mostly thinking about what God had just revealed to me. I realized that He wasn’t telling me to be aware of danger but to be aware His voice and the small piece of direction that He was about to provide me with that day. God’s initial word was confirmed while I was Meru through many different ways. The pastor of Jackson’s church brought up a conversation with me on our walk to Jackson’s house about prostitutes. He shared with me how a lot of people come to Kenya thinking that giving out money will solve everything, but what really needs to be focused on is the “poverty of the heart.” He said that he has asked some girls if they would leave the lifestyle if given enough money to start a business so they could make money without selling their bodies. Most said that they would not stop. The lack of money is not the only cause of prostitution in Kenya. The lack of respect for oneself, the absence of real love, the feelings of desperation and hopelessness are why these girls are out on the streets at night. After returning to Nairobi, I talked with another Kenyan man who is a close friend of Daniel’s. He said that prostitutes are more likely to listen to young people like themselves rather than pastors or the usual sort that is trying to save them. They feel less judged by a young person and are more likely to open up and talk with them. This was an encouragement that I needed. Being young, there is always that doubt in the back of your mind that no one will take you seriously. Hearing that young people is exactly what is needed for this type of ministry helped me overcome that nagging fear.

But I am stubborn with God. I mean, I am really stubborn with Him! “Confirm this, Lord,” I prayed over and over. In other words... “Prove it! I don’t believe you! This is ridiculous. How am I supposed to do this? Now you’re just being silly.” Still, I couldn’t fight the peace I was feeling and by the time I got back to Kitale, I had almost fully accepted it in my heart but I was still fighting for more confirmation.

The whole next week was spent in prayer and deep thought about where I felt God was taking me. It was the last week that the guys would all be Kitale because they were going to Malindi for their last week in Kenya to tie up some loose ends from their month spent there earlier in the year. I was trying to spend time with them but my mind was elsewhere. I couldn’t stop picturing myself in Malindi.

I was trying not to think about it because I was sure it was only on my mind because Andrew, Nate and Scott were leaving on Monday, but I couldn’t shake the thought. I didn’t dare bring it up to the guys because this was their trip and I was not included in the original planning. I settled on asking Nate to look around for me while he was there and see if it would be a place I could possibly be useful. He told me that he had already been planning on doing so, which was nice to hear.

The Friday before they were to leave the boys were being super shady and having a meeting in the back bedroom. I didn’t think much of it until they came out and asked me if I could come back because they had something they wanted to talk to me about. In my head, all I could think of was the scene in Finding Nemo where they have to have an intervention for the shark. “Fish are friends. Not food.” Not sure why this played in my head… but it did and I giggled to myself as I walked into the room and sat down in semi-awkward silence.

“So we’ve been thinking,” Nate began speaking on behalf of the group. I looked around at the guys. None of them looked like they were about to dump some terrible news on me, but I wasn’t about to be sure of anything yet. He continued to tell me how it had been on his heart ever since we talked in Java House for me to come to Malindi. I was stunned but somehow not surprised. God had put this on my heart as well and now He was just confirming His plans AGAIN. I would have been a fool to keep questioning Him. The guys told me that they had just discussed it, prayed about it and asked Daniel (the director of TI) if he thought it was an okay idea. After all of that, they decided to ask me if I wanted to go. Of course, I said yes. I was glad that God confirmed my thoughts through the men and their willingness to allow me to come along.

Now here is the best “God is so cool” moment in this whole experience… There were three things that needed to happen before I could officially go. 1) My parents needed to be okay with me traveling across the country and living in the slums with strangers for four days. 2) Faith had to say it was okay for me to take a week away from working with the girls. And 3) we had to check with Nate and Scott’s friend in Malindi to be sure that there was a place for me to stay because they hadn’t told him I would be coming yet. Since I’m a girl, I obviously couldn’t stay in the same room with all the guys. While I was on the phone with Faith talking to her about everything (she was in Nairobi dropping her boyfriend, Rick, off at the airport), Nate was on the phone with Martin, his contact and friend in Malindi. I came back in the house and all the guys were in the sitting room. I was about to tell them that Faith was on board when Nate stopped me. “Listen to this,” he said with a huge smile. “So when we told Martin that Drew was going to be coming with us, he wasn’t sure if Drew was a boy or a girl so he already made arrangements for a girl to come!” I was in awe. My mouth literally dropped open. “Wow,” I thought to myself. “You really do want me to go, Lord. Okay, I believe you now.” After hearing that I already had a bed waiting for me in Martin’s sister’s room, I was pretty sure what to expect from my parents when I called them. In less than an hour, all three things were taken care of and I was officially headed to Malindi.

My heart leaped at the thought of being able to talk to people there, hear their stories and help shed some light into their lives. Even if I was only going to be there for a few days, I knew that this trip would affect my life somehow. God had obviously arranged this down to the last detail and I was eager to see what He had in store.

How things went in Malindi will be my next blog :)

Visiting Jackson

2010-03-01T12:36:00.003-05:00

I left Kitale on February 14th with a feeling of excitement and anticipation for what was to come in the next three days. Finally, I was going to meet the reason I first developed a heart for Kenya – my sponsor child, Jackson.

We took a night bus to Nairobi and after getting some breakfast, got on a shuttle to Meru. Less than four hours later, after traveling at breakneck speeds down curvy mountain roads, we arrived at our hotel. It was a very nice hotel as far as Kenya goes. There was a great bird’s eye view of the town on one side of the balcony and on the other side you could look out to the mountains and gorgeous landscapes of central Kenya. The sunset was a great reminder of how beautiful our God is and we watched it until the darkness fully took over. It was a relaxing night after a whole lot of traveling.

Tuesday morning at 7AM, Edward met us at the hotel to take us to Jackson’s village. He was a great guy, very professional and helpful. It was slightly comical the way he was trying to tell me and Nate about Kenya as if we had only been in the country for a week. He was pointing out mud huts and the clothing of the people. He taught us words in Swahili that we had learned a long time ago. We appreciated his kindness though. The drive from Meru to the village took about two hours. The distance could have been covered in about 30 minutes if the roads hadn’t been so terrible. But hey, this is Africa.

When we finally got there, I saw Jackson standing by a tree near the entrance of the Compassion center. I immediately recognized him by his eyes.

The Kenyans who run the Compassion project were all there to greet us with open arms. We learned that we were the first white people to ever be in that area and that I was the first person in all of the eight Compassion projects that they organize to visit their sponsor child. Needless to say, it was a pretty big deal that we were there.

We spent some time learning about the project and I got to see Jackson’s folder with all of his school records and information. They also showed me all of the letters I have written to Jackson over the years. It was so cool. I met his mother and the pastor of his church. Everyone was so happy to meet me, but I think I might have been even happier to meet them.

The entire time Jackson was really quiet. He only knew his tribal language so I couldn’t even communicate with the little Swahili that I know. There was a translator there but mostly I just kept smiling at him. I couldn’t help it, he was just so adorable.

After a little while, we started walking to Jackson’s home to meet the rest of his family. We asked how far away it was, just out of curiosity and they said it was “not very far.” So I prepared for at least a thirty minute walk. “Not far” in Kenya is usually around two miles.

I was correct in my assumption but the walk was absolutely beautiful! It was all through hills and fields and there were amazing views. At one point, we had to cross a large stream. All the Kenyans were shocked when I took off my sandals, held up my skirt and walked right across, not caring about getting wet and a little muddy. They even took a picture of me crossing it on the walk back.

Jackson’s home was on about an acre of land. It was a tradition home made of mud and a thatch roof. Again, being the first white people in the area, we were welcomed by most of the community. I loved meeting Jackson’s family. His father was a great man and a hard worker that obviously loved his children. His mother was sweet, soft spoken and very kind. His younger sister, Freidah, was lively and spunky and his baby brother, Timothy was adorable and just kept smiling. He has two other siblings but they were both away at school.

We had a great time talking to everyone and continually thanked them for their hospitality. They were so glad to have us at their home and it was very clear that my sponsorship of Jackson was a huge blessing to them. It was good to see exactly where my money is going and how it is truly benefiting this family.

We walked back to the project and had lunch and shortly after said our goodbyes and headed back to Meru. It was an incredible day and such a blessing to everyone involved. Compassion is a wonderful organization and I was glad to be able to see that first hand. I would highly recommend sponsoring through Compassion if have any interest in sponsorship. Your money will help! I can’t encourage you enough to consider sponsoring a child. It’s such a small amount of money, but it makes such a huge difference in the lives of those children.

That's all for now. Check back soon for an update about my trip to Malindi. Another incredible experience here in Kenya. God never stops amazing me with His plans for my life.

In the world but not of it.

2010-02-18T14:50:00.007-05:00

I will be writing a blog soon about my visit with Jackson, the child I sponsor in a village east of Meru through Compassion International. It was an incredible day and I do want to share it with 'all of you, but this blog is about the night following my visit. I should warn you that it isn't a pleasant chain of events…

We had booked tickets for a night bus leaving Meru at 10:00. Nate and I arrived at the bus station around 8:30, prepared to wait. There were not many lights around and you could tell that it wasn't the best area of town but there were plenty of people there and we were not worried. Yes, it is Africa and anything can happen but we have both been here long enough to not be clueless or foolish in any situation. We sat up against a glass wall of what looked like an office building. After a little while, the security guard for the building came over to us. He informed us that people were not allowed to sit there, but it was okay if we stayed… the benefits of being white. You get a lot of special treatment.

After a few minutes a street boy came up to us and Nate initiated a conversation with him in Swahili. The boy was young, probably no older than 10 or 11, and spoke very quietly. There was no joy in his eyes, only emptiness and sadness. Nate leaned towards the boys and asked him where his parents were. He didn't know his father and his mother was at home. Nate then asked what he was doing on the streets. The boy did not have a clear response. It was sad watching this conversation take place, I felt for the boy. He was someone’s son but they didn't care enough to keep him off the streets in the middle of the night. They didn't love him as a child should be loved.

I didn't even see the guard walking towards us. One moment, I was observing this little boy talking to Nate, probably the only attention from another human being he had received in a long time, and the next moment I was watching a grown man hit this small child in the back of the head, twice, with so much force that he almost fell to the ground. As if that wasn't enough, he then strongly kicked him in the back. The boy ran away without even a glance back at me and Nate. It was obvious that the child was not okay. I was livid. Angry tears began to well up in my eyes. Injustice. Horrible, cruel injustice. Nate said something to the guard… letting him know he was out of line and then went after the street boy to apologize and attempt to justify the situation at least in some small way.

As soon as Nate disappeared behind the bus on my right, I began to hear a lot of yelling from an alleyway to the left. I looked over and saw about ten men chasing another man. They caught him and threw him down on the ground. They began to beat him. I could see everything. There were a lot of people around but no one did anything. Not ten feet away from the scene were at least four guards, one of which just had no problem hitting a small child, sitting on chairs doing nothing but watching this man get brutally attacked. A car pulled up right next to the mob, stopped to watch but did nothing. I was sickened with humanity. I was aware that this sort of thing happened a lot in Kenya, but to see it with my own eyes was unlike anything I could have been prepared for. I couldn't believe that no one was doing anything to stop this.

My first reaction was to call for Nate because he still wasn't back yet but then the spiritual side of things hit me and I knew I had to pray. This was spiritual warfare as I had never experienced it before. As I was praying, the mob pulled the man off of the main road and back into the alley, out of my sight. That is when I saw Nate walking casually back towards me. He did not know what was happening yet.

I’m going to stop here to announce that I was not afraid. Not because I’m tough and stuff like that doesn't affect me (it does) but more so because I knew Jesus was there with me. I wasn't in any danger; He made sure I knew that.

I’m not exactly sure how Nate found out what was going on. We don’t remember if I told him or if he just noticed everyone in the area was looking in that direction, but either way he figured it out.

The spirit was that of anger. Evil was everywhere. The Enemy was at work.

Nate got up and walked towards the alley. He stood across the street, far enough away that he was in absolutely no danger, but close enough that he could now see what was happening. All I could do was pray… I was paralyzed where I sat, in shock of what I was witnessing. I could still hear shouting… screaming… what sounded like a whip... and loud thuds. I was thankful that I could no longer see anything. I watched Nate, wondering what was going through his mind. didn't seem angry. He just stood there, watching. Then he turned towards me and asked if I was alright. I didn't understand why he was asking but as soon as I nodded, I saw him leaning forward to take a step in the direction of the alley. Before his foot even hit the ground, a million thoughts raced through my head. I said his name. The voice that came out of me didn't feel like my own. It came from deep inside of me. Right away he walked back to me and sat down without saying a word. He later said that the tone of my voice was what made him stop. He knew wasn't annoyed that he was trying to be a tough guy, or bothering me by his grandiose attempts to be a hero or something… I just needed him to be with me in this battle. I needed another light around me. I couldn't handle it on my own. He did his job as a man and he did it well. He protected me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

That’s when I began to cry.

Nothing in Kenya has ever overwhelmed me to the point of tears. Not the children picking food of the trash, not the sight of crippled women begging on the side of the road, not the realization that most of the people I speak to every day have HIV and will die. Nothing has ever made me cry. But this did. I am not too proud to admit that I was sobbing almost to the point of hysteria. I hid it well enough so that no one besides Nate was aware. The last thing I wanted was to draw more attention to myself, being an American does that enough already.

The spirit of anger was almost overpowering. The darkness seemed to be everywhere. It was oppressive and I hated the evil that was unmistakably all around us. It was truly the most present form of Satan I have ever felt. I was overcome by grief and sorrow for every person involved. They had no love inside of them. They were soulless animals, apparently incapable of human sympathy.

How do they justify their actions? The man they were beating was a thief. In the minds of these men, a thief deserves to be beaten to near death in the streets. Jesus says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” The sad part is, if you asked them… most would say that they are Christians and attend church every Sunday. They have probably heard a teaching on that very passage in Scripture. Maybe they weren't listening that morning.

When I thought it was over because the noise had calmed down, I heard even louder yelling and saw people running down the next street over… they were chasing the man. They were not going to let him get away. They were set on destroying a life, it seemed.

After we finally boarded the bus, we had to drive to the police station to go through a check. They do this with most night buses to make sure they are no weapons on board. When we pulled up, there were about six street boys sitting on the bench outside the station. They were smiling, high on their glue. We got off the bus and lined up to get our bags checked. There was a line of men and a line of women and then a line of white people - Nate and I. We were treated so differently than the Kenyans. In my heightened emotional state, I began to laugh at the thought. Just as I was about to tell Nate why I was laughing he suddenly told me not to turn around. “Don’t look,” he said as he glanced over my head. I listened. I trusted him to know what I could and could not handle at that moment. My laughing stopped abruptly as I felt the evil of the night again. I had to rest my forehead on Nate’s shoulder to release some of the heaviness I was feeling… the magic of physical touch. It wasn't until we got back to Kitale the next day and were telling the whole group what had happened that I discovered what he had saved me from seeing – the man who had been beaten was walking out of the police station. Nate said he had never seen so much blood.

I was able to debrief from the situation the next morning during breakfast after we arrived in Nairobi. The hours following the events, I was mostly silent. Praying and thinking. The tears came back every once in a while as well. I didn't want to discuss it then, but it felt good to talk after my emotions were in check.

It may be surprising to hear that I’m glad this happened. Of course not for the man who was beaten or for the street boy who was hit by the guard, but God showed me a lot in those few minutes. He showed me the reality of the world, of evil men that I may have been slightly naïve to before that night. He showed me that it is okay to need someone and I don’t always have to keep it all together. I’m a strong person. I can handle a lot without becoming emotional, but I wonder now if I prided myself on that too much. Sometimes it’s not until you are actually in a situation that you can know how you will react.

It has been a couple of days since that night. I’m not sure how to express how I’m feeling about everything now. Honestly, I just feel like I need a hug most of the time. Faith has been helping out with that. I keep reminding myself that although there is evil, there is also good in this world and great things are being done every day. We cannot expect to save the world. It is an impossible task. But we can do our part to spread the happiness that we have received from our Father and being in the presence of such darkness made me want to do even more to share the light of the Lord. The Enemy is at work here in Africa and everywhere else on earth. There is darkness. There is oppression. There is anger. But there is also hope. There is also love and joy in Jesus Christ and that is the world I wish to live in and share with others.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T05:54:00.003-05:00

I am so sorry for the lack of blogging and updates. The Internet has been down on the compound for 10 days now so my only option is to go into town to use the Internet cafes where I have to pay by the minute. My main priority during those times is to inform my family that I'm still alive and well and update my facebook status, of course.

But now, I'm prepared to spend a little bit of money to inform you all of what's been going on during the last few weeks.

Our work with the Shimo girls is going great. They are an absolute joy to be around and their work ethic is phenomenal. They are making up to five bags each time they meet with us and that is more than we expected, which is incredible! They have improved so much and I can tell they are proud of what they are accomplishing. I only wish I could have more time with them.

Happy Valentine's Day! This morning I made french toast for the guys and was surprised with a bouquet of roses. It was much more than I expected and I was very thankful. As I was sitting outside on the patio, I remembered where I was this time last year. It was the lowest point in my life. I was saddened by the thought at first but then I recalled how much has changed since then. I am no longer at a low point. I am in an extremely happy time in my life! I am surrounded by incredible people who care about me as much as I care about them. I am doing what my heart loves to do and I am following God's will for my life! Could I really ask for a better way to celebrate today? Nope!

One of the highlights of my week is going to HBF every Saturday. Last week I had to opportunity to go with some of the children to the hospital for some routine check ups. Lillian and Lyna were due for an HIV test, Patrick's nose was hurting him and Valentine needed to have her eye checked on following a surgery she had on it a few months ago. Mark (a Kenyan that lives on the compound and works for TI) went with Patrick and Valentine and I took Lillian and Lyna with me to the HIV section. The hospital is a strange place. On a large board hanging on the outside wall it lists the services the hospital provides, how much it will cost and how long you will have to wait. For one service the waiting time was 30 minutes - two weeks. Yikes. The lines are long... very long. I waited with Lillian and Lyna as long as I could until I had to leave to meet with the Shimo girls at 1. They had an auntie with them so I wasn't leaving them alone. Mark did not get back to the compound until around 5:00 that evening. It is a whole day event. It was hard sitting in the waiting area. Although I relished the time I got to spend with the girls alone, without 20 other children running around, I wish it could have been better circumstances. The girls rested their heads on me and held my hands as we waited with about 40 others, all most likely HIV positive. It was an odd feeling, being surrounded by men, women and children with a fatal, incurable disease. With my hands on the girls, I prayed for healing for Lillian and for Lyna's miracle to continue. Lyna was HIV positive when TI first brought her into the children's home. A little while later, tests revealed she was HIV negative. An impossible occurrence by anything other than God's power. I have not heard what the results of either test were, but I have faith that God will continue to do amazing works in these children.

I wish I could fully explain how incredible it has been having Faith here with me. We have been meeting every other day and studying the book of John, as well as going through Exodus with the whole group. Her wisdom and encouragement have been more than I could ever ask for and I am truly thankful to God for putting her in my life.

Tonight, I'm leaving Kitale on the night bus to Nairobi. From there I'll get on another bus and be on my way to Meru. After spending the night in Meru, I'll leave early in the morning for Tharaka. In a small, hillside village in central Kenya I'll get to meet Jackson, a six year old boy I've been sponsoring through Compassion International for the past year and a half. It was through Jackson that God initially placed Kenya on my heart. I am overjoyed to finally meet this little boy who changed my life.

I have become more aware of what God has planned for me since arriving in Kenya. I realize that my goals and dreams are not the same as most of my friends. I understand now that my life will not look like I had originally thought it would. It was a surprise to me when my thought process brought me to a place I had never expected. Of course, I am living my life one day at a time and would never try to get ahead of God. I am just now beginning to hear answers to some of my prayers. Although I do not know the ultimate plan of God's will, I am ready to take the next step on my journey. I have no plans of my own, which leaves plenty of room for Him to work and I am more than willing to let Him. My life will not be the life I had wanted for myself when I was in high school and someone asked me "where do you see yourself in ten years?" It will be better. Much better. I am living for Jesus now.

Slightly scattered blog...

2010-02-02T11:38:00.004-05:00

Today was our first time meeting with the Shimo girls. It was great to see them again and they all looked excited to see me too. I wished I could have spent more time with them on my internship but my mind was other places. I'm just glad that I have another opportunity to get to know them. They have been making cards for a few months now so Faith and I thought we would change it up a little. We taught them how to make bags.... and instead of trying to explain what they look like, I'll just upload a picture of them in the next couple of days. The girls really seemed to enjoy it and they surprised me quite a bit with how skilled and creative they were. I'm really looking forward to spending time with these girls and building relationships with them.

I was on Facebook earlier and noticed that there are a lot of status updates about how cold it is back home. I had to laugh. Today was hot! This is the kind of weather I always imagined Africa having. I remember being shocked when I had to wear sweatshirts when I came in July and how cold it would get in the evenings when I was here this past fall. Our coldest months in America are the warmest months here and vice versa. But the nice thing is, although it can get pretty warm it's never the kind of heat that we can get in the States. It's not humid or sticky. It's just very warm. You can easily sit outside and read a book without dripping sweat. It's actually kind of perfect. And the evenings are unbelievable.

We sat outside and ate dinner in the gazebo tonight. There's only eight of us here now, not including the Kenyans that also live on the compound. It's a lot different than before when there were at least sixteen people living here at all times. I must say that although I loved every single person that was here during the internship program, I enjoy the smaller group.

I've grown a lot since going home and coming back. I can see that now. I think differently about situations. I feel differently about people. My relationship with God is different. A lot of things are different. Most importantly though, at least in my opinion, is that I now have a clear view of what's important. I'm no longer distracted by the things that once caught my attention. I see flaws in my previous thoughts and am now able to focus on what Jesus wants for me, not what I want for myself. Praise God for that.

I'll upload pictures soon..... as soon as I take some.

Psalm 68: 4:5

2010-01-30T08:46:00.004-05:00

There's some things that you get used to after traveling to Kenya a few times. For instance, zebras on the side of the road are about as exciting as seeing deer in Valley Forge Park. But some things never stop amazing me. The sky, the mountains, the children... these things seem to become more and more beautiful each time I look at them.

I love it here. I feel like I'm home again.

2010-01-24T22:41:00.002-05:00

I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that in a few days I'll be in Kenya for the third time in less than seven months. Things like traveling to Africa are supposed to be "once in a lifetime," yet I am continually blessed by God to do things that most people only dream about. I am so full of thanks and praise for what He has given me!

Kenya has been, is and will always be an adventure and a place that is very heavily on my heart. Through Kenya, the Lord completely and totally transformed my life! God revealed to me community, friendship, respect, forgiveness and acceptance in the body of Christ. I fell more deeply in love with Him every time I saw the beauty of His creation in this broken country.

Going back to Kenya feels like the natural progression of my life. As soon as the opportunity to return was brought to my attention, I wondered how I could have ever thought I would be doing anything other than that at this time. Nothing else made sense anymore. All I could imagine was being back in Africa.

I love how much Jesus has taught me in the past seven months and I am so incredibly excited to find out what He has planned for me in the next six weeks.

2010-01-22T23:07:00.003-05:00

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Isn't our Lord amazing?

Glory.

2010-01-11T12:39:00.005-05:00

I know people, quite a few people actually, who's entire lives must be known to as many people as they can possibly tell for them to feel worthy. They feel important and loved when and only when others tell them that they are important and loved. In order to get that feedback they first need to share with others all that they are doing, all that they have accomplished and exactly how they feel about everything and anything that is going on in their lives.

People like this exhaust me.

Forgive my honesty, but I have a difficult time listening to people who insist on telling me how wonderful they are all the time! I listen to them but rarely ever do I respond to their unspoken pleading for affirmation. I would be lying to them.

I've thought about this a lot recently, trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. I came to understand that when people who do not know Christ act this way, they are usually trying to feel the love that only Jesus can provide in meaningless relationships, awards, grades, promotions, etc. In that case, I know I need to do my part and love them the best that I can and hope to show them even a fraction of the amount of love that He can give.

But when believers act this way, it hits a different nerve.

The habit of self-glorification takes away from the One who rightfully deserves the glory. When people brag about themselves and all that they have done in the church, ministry, mission field or any other place in the Kingdom, where can God show Himself? Who are you really working for? You should be serving Jesus not your ego.

I know someone who did something incredible that benefited hundreds of people, gave hope to suffering children and quite possibly changed lives. When I talked to them about it, they confidently told me "This isn't my project. It's God's." What an awesome understanding of God's glory! More people need to realize how important it is to give the honor to it's rightful owner. I LOVE listening to people talk about what God has done in their lives! I could listen to stories of God's grace, mercy and miracles all day and never get tired of it because they are telling me the incredible works of my Father, best friend and Savior.

I am constantly reminding myself that nothing is accomplished apart from God. Even the smallest of things, such as not being charged anything to have my computer fixed by the Geek Squad at BestBuy, happen because of Him. Of course there are bigger things that He has accomplished in my life but I enjoy finding Him in the small things. It shows me how much He cares which makes me love Him that much more. He knew that I didn't have $70-$200 to spend but also that I needed my computer to function so He brings me to probably the one guy in the whole Geek Squad that would ignore the charges and do everything for free. Never doubt that God is in the small stuff! But especially for the big things, give our God the glory that He alone deserves!

"When you value God for who He is, it causes a response in Him; It releases Him to be all that He is to you."

2009

2009-12-30T21:45:00.002-05:00

Without a doubt, 2009 was the craziest year of my life.

I started the year in New York. Freezing. Overwhelmed. Sick with strep throat and struggling with feelings about a relationship. A bar in Brooklyn, surrounded by outrageously drunk 20-somethings and few overweight, balding middle aged men is where I rung in the new year. The night consisted of a kiss a midnight, an hour or two spent standing alone in the corner, a questionable taxi driver and an air mattress in an empty room with no heat. I'm not making it sound very fun but all in all I guess it wasn't so bad. I spent time with people I cared about and experienced New Years Eve in New York City (something you'd probably have to pay me to do again).

My fourth, and what would end up being my last, semester at Kutztown University began in the middle of January. Other things began as well... A relationship. A bad habit that progressively got worse. And an unfortunate total and complete inability to hold on to any part of who I was in Christ.

I knew it, too. I knew there were only fragments of my old self left in the new, out of control version of me. I was making decisions based solely on what I wanted at that very moment. Sometimes, it felt like I had no part in the decisions at all and someone else was making them for me. I allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, abused and used. And in return, I manipulated, controlled, abused and used others. I was the source of more than one person's pain. The worst part was, I was not learning from my mistakes and I continued to repeat them.

To be completely honest, I was a very selfish and downright cruel person for the first few months of this year.

I never meant to hurt anyone. Deep down I knew I was still a kind, loving, caring person. But I was so far gone at this point that I barely even cared. I was no longer convicted by my actions. I had completely turned from Jesus. But still, through it all, God saved my life. He protected me from terrible things that should have happened to me and I thank Him every day for that. Also, I thank Him for doing what it took to turn me back to Him. Extreme as it was, it was what I needed.

As I write this now, I wonder what people are thinking. Do you think I'm exaggerating? That I probably wasn't that bad? Everyone makes mistakes, right? Are people questioning how sincere my return to Jesus is? Maybe I'm just on a quick "spiritual high" because I went to Africa and held orphans?

Then I remember... I truly don't care if people doubt the sincerity of my love for Jesus. I know it's real. God knows it's real. What else really matters?

I went from being the absolute worst version of myself to the best in one year. I was empty and now I'm filled. Lost and now found. Darkness and now light. I've been transformed. Most of you won't understand that because you either did not know me then or you do not know me now, but that's okay. God saw it all. He knows me and my past and still loves me completely and what more can I ask for?

One thing is for sure... I am very much looking forward to starting off 2010 the right way!

Happy New Year, everyone! :)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17

God is good. God is great.

2009-12-23T11:48:00.008-05:00

I will never claim to understand God. His ways are so above my own that I can't even begin to comprehend how He plans the paths of my life. But thankfully, I don't have to understand Him. I just have to trust Him. That, I can do. I'd be a fool not to trust God after all that He has shown me He is capable of doing. And now it's time to add one more miracle to that list.

God is bringing me back to Kenya. Again.

I came home at the beginning of this month, excited and ready to start fulfilling my goals of leading a new life in Christ. It took me about two weeks to realize that something was wrong. Nothing was connecting with me. I wasn't feeling led to pursue anything and I was getting frustrated with God. I wanted to start a new life so why weren't any doors opening? I was not at peace and I knew there was something that needed to happen. I just had no idea what it could be or where to even start looking. I begged God to show me and lead me onto the path that He wanted me on. At this point, I would have walked across the country in a prom dress if that's what I felt God wanted me to do. I was desperate for guidance.

That's when I went out to breakfast with Faith Ecenroad. Faith took me on my first trip to Kenya back in July. She was supposed to come to Kenya in November but wasn't able to because of health issues. We had been looking forward to spending some more time together in Kenya and when it didn't work out, we were both pretty bummed. And then she asked me the question that answered all my prayers. "Would you want to come back to Kenya with me?"

I can't explain the feeling that washed over me at the moment. Something like relief mixed with pure joy and a dash of shock. I couldn't believe that I was going back to Africa! Because I was. There wasn't a doubt in my head that this would work out. That's how strong the peace was that came over me. I brought it up to my parents later that day. Though I didn't expect them to say no, I wasn't expecting such a huge yes either. They were thrilled and gave me their blessing.

So on January 27th, I'll be on a plane to Nairobi. This time, my main priority is to be discipled and mentored by Faith. Along with that, I'll be spending most of my time working with the Shimo girls and the Neema girls.

This will be my third trip to Kenya. Each time I'm there it seems as though God has a different plan. In July, I made a full commitment to Jesus and for the first time in years began walking with Him again. The second time, I was healed and restored through my forgiveness of the ones who had hurt me. I was introduced to the church as the body of Christ, not a building and I was shown what my life as a true, Spirit filled believer would look like. This time, I believe that God will begin to direct my steps towards what my mission is in the church. How I can use the abilities that God gave me to benefit the body. With Faith as my mentor I'll be learning not only how to give presentations about Transformed International and spreading awareness, but also how to live my life with confidence in Jesus Christ and in His plans for me.

I have no doubt that this trip will complete the plans that God has for me in Kenya and I can't wait to see what He is going to do in the six weeks that I'm there.

So again, I don't understand God. I probably never will but truthfully, I don't think we're supposed to. He's God! As soon as you understand something, it becomes less amazing, less beautiful, less incredible. We will constantly be driven to know God more because we will never know everything about Him! We will never fully understand God, but He's the God of LOVE, not the God of knowledge. I love my Jesus and that's all I need to know!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! :)

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16

Back at home.

2009-12-05T09:55:00.006-05:00

I've tried to start this blog at least ten times. I don't know how to best express what's going on in my head right now. Leaving Kenya wasn't easy. On Sunday morning I had to say goodbye to people who have helped shape me, kittens who have annoyed me for the past few weeks but secretly I really liked them, a house that I helped redecorate and turn into something that doesn't resemble a warehouse anymore and the compound that had been my home for three months. On the bus ride from Kitale and Nairobi, I had to look out at the mountains, the clouds and the scenery and soak it all in knowing that it would be the last time I'd see such beauty. On Monday night I had to say goodbye to the only guys I've ever fully trusted, the only city that I actually enjoyed being in, and the country that I had grown to love. The taxi ride from the hotel in Nairobi to the airport was emotional, to say the least. After saying goodbye to Nate and Scott, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer... I cried more than I have in a very very long time. On Tuesday morning, I had to leave the girls that had turned into my best friends. So many goodbyes in only three days was draining. I was exhausted by the time I got on the plane to fly to Philadelphia.

And I'm still exhausted. I blame jet lag but in truth I think I'm tiring myself out trying to fit back into my life here. I'm different. Home isn't different. It's like trying to shove a square into a circle. I just don't fit anymore. Cliche, but true. Already I've received phone calls from people I thought were far into my past, seen things that caused me to cringe and been in places that made my heart hurt. Even something a small as talking with a friend is difficult. When the conversation isn't centered around Christ, I feel my Spirit clawing inside me. I miss being in a community where Jesus is the head of the body. I thank God for my family. Without that foundation I'm not sure how I would survive as this new creation in my old stomping grounds of sin.

I need to learn how to shape my life here at home so that it fits with who I became in Africa.

I enjoy being home, truly. It's not like I came back to a nightmare. It's just that Kenya was a dream and now I'm back in reality.

"As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." 1 Peter 1:14

Everyone in Kitale, Reno, Florida and Canada - I miss and love you all! <3

Community.

2009-11-15T11:38:00.003-05:00

As my time in Kenya is coming to an end I’ve found myself looking back at the past three months and really analyzing all that I have learned here. At times, it feels as though my life didn’t start until I stepped off the plane after landing in Nairobi. All that I am is who I became here in Africa. The person I was before coming here is a complete stranger to me now. The funniest is that most of what I learned did not come from being in Kenya. It came from being in a community. From being surrounded by a group of people who love God with everything they have, people who really care about each other and desire to build up the body of Christ. That was what I needed more than anything. That was what my soul was craving. These people have changed my life more than anything in Africa ever could. I don’t want it to sound as though being in Kenya hasn’t been an incredible experience because it has... But God definitely knew what He was doing when He chose the people I would spend my time here with.

Beauty.

2009-10-31T10:56:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. I'll take some responsibilty due to laziness but I must also blame the internet. We were without it for about a week and it's been in and out for a while. So I apologize for the lack of blogging :)

So much has happened... which is a big reason I hate to go this long without writing a blog. I don't know where to start.

I got up early one morning this week to watch the sunrise. I walked down to a spot where there's a perfect view of the sun coming up over the mountains. It was beautiful. I love when I see God and the majesty of His creation. Kenya is an incredible place and I doubt I'll ever experience the beauty this country has ever again in my life. It's real. It hasn't been taken over by high rises and concrete. It is exactly how God initially created it to be.

I have to cut this short because the internet is acting a little funky again. I'm leaving for Malindi tomorrow morning so I won't be writing another blog until at least the 12th. If you have a second, google Malindi! Be prepared to be jealous. Again, the beauty of Kenya is unbelievable.

I will write a longer, more detailed blog soon. I promise!

The God of all comfort...

2009-10-11T13:10:00.005-04:00

I'm continually amazed by the sufferings of these people. The things that they have become used to are things that would completely disgust us in America. For example, after a boy is circumcised here which is usually around the young adolescent years, they believe that they have to "cleanse" themselves and in order to do that they must have sex with a young girl. More times than not, the boy will rape a child because he thinks he has to. Another thing that they believe here is that if you have sex with a virgin you can rid yourself of HIV. Just imagine how many young innocent girls are being forced into having sex because the boys and men believe these ridiculous things!

We were at the Shimo school on Friday hanging out with the kids for a while. I was speaking to a group of girls around the ages of 14, 15 and 16. I wear a purity ring on my left ring finger where my wedding ring will someday go. It's not uncommon for the girls to ask me if I am married because of it so I wasn't surprised to have my ring pointed at by one of the girls. "What do you wear that for? Are you married?" I looked up at the girl. She looked young and had kind eyes and was very beautiful. "No, I'm not married. This is a purity ring. It means that since I've gotten this ring I won't have sex until I get married." It was the first time I had explained my ring in the nature. Usually I just told the girls that it was a symbol of Jesus protecting my heart as I showed them the small silver cross covering an outline of a heart. But I felt compelled to share the truth this time. The response from the girl caught me slightly off guard. "What if you are raped?" My mouth opened to speak but I realized that I had no response to her question. I muttered something about it being a terrible thing that is out of our control but I knew that wasn't what I wanted to say. All of this was as we were getting ready to leave and walk back home so I looked her in the eye and told her that I would be back on Monday and I wanted to talk to her more when I came back. She nodded and walked away with her friends.

I often used to ask God why I had to go through all the things that I went through. Why didn't He reach down and lift me out of my suffering and pain? He's God, right? He's supposed to be able to do anything. Then I came across 2 Corinthians 1:3-5...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so
that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have
received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our
lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Because of my suffering, I can come alongside of these girls and help them through their pain. Maybe I haven't experienced the ultimate weight of their despair but I have definitely felt used, worthless and hopeless. I'll be the first to tell you that my life has not always been full of sunshine and happiness. But thanks to Jesus, I can now boldly say that my life is full of light! That is something that I pray for these girls... for them to experience the joy of Jesus Christ and the miraculous changes He can bring!

Quick update - Shimo girls

2009-10-09T14:55:00.003-04:00

This week has been amazing. I think I may go out on a limb here and say that it's been my favorite week so far. Not only did we have incredible dinners every night but we also started a project with a group of six girls from the Shimo slums. Five out of the six girls, all between the ages of 14 and 18, have children. One girl has a six year old. We're going to have them make cards to sell back in the US and pay them for each card they finish so that they can have a small income. They all expressed sincere gratitude and said that God was working through us to help them. Truer words have rarely been spoken. God hand picked these girls for this project. He knew that these six girls needed some money but more so than the money, He knew that they needed love. Our primary purpose is not to provide them with a couple shillings per week, it's to provide them with our friendship. I'm excited to see these girls earn some money to have a way to feed their children but what I'm really looking forward to is getting to know them and seeing what God has in store for Caroline, Ester, Eunice, Moureen, Marcelle and Caroline M.

Light in the darkness.

2009-10-06T03:25:00.004-04:00

"I want my parents to love me so much. What can I do? I don't want to be separate from them."
"I am pregnant. What do I do if my parents don't allow me to stay at home?"
"Why do adults rape small children?"

Is your heart breaking right now?

Those are just some of the questions we received when a group of us went down to the Shimo slums and talked to students ages 12 to 18. We asked them to write down any question they had on a note card. The questions ranged from American government and The Bible to rape, pregnancy, AIDS and sex. In Kenyan culture, things like AIDS, sex and relationships are not spoken about. Parents do not even talk to their children. It is a culture that strives to be stoic. The end result is that no one is educated on these topics. HIV/AIDS is a taboo subject and most people aren't even aware if they are carrying the disease because they are afraid to get tested. Boys rarely understand what it is to respect girls and girls don't even know that they deserve to be respected. Rape is a common occurrence. Teenage pregnancy is rampant and HIV is being spread like wildfire. They don't even know that there is another way of living, that there is hope, that there is a light in the darkness and that that light is Jesus.

It's hard to put yourself in the shoes of these teenagers. Especially the girls. Looking into their eyes, I could almost see the pain. When the word 'rape' was mentioned I noticed quite a few look down at the ground and begin fidgeting. I wanted to run over and hug them. Most of us will never understand the hurt that they have been through. As Americans we don't realize how lucky we are to have the laws and the government that we have. Maybe we don't agree with everything that our country says but we cannot deny the fact that they take care of us. There is justice. There is peace. There are laws that are enforced.

Last week a few of us watched Hotel Rwanda. After it was over and we were all in somber moods, Meredith began telling us some of what was going on during the post-election violence in Kenya two years ago. An estimated 10,000 people were killed when two opposing tribes began fighting. Can you imagine anything like that happening in America? Here in Kenya, the candidate that lost the election was actually encouraging it by suggesting people have "peace marches" to protest his loss. Well, his peace marches included quite a bit of violence! It would have gotten worse if the United Nations hadn't stepped in the moment "genocide" was mentioned. Due to the Rwanda genocide and the disaster that they made of it by not doing anything at all, they were a bit more conscious about not letting something of that magnitude happen again. In my opinion, they were still about 10,000 people too late. I mean, what do they consider a genocide... the entire country being murdered?

Keep Kenya in your prayers.

Hope Bright Future

2009-09-27T03:00:00.006-04:00

Going to HBF every Saturday has become the highlight of my week. It's one thing to see children one or two times and maybe learn a few names and recognize some faces, but these children I know well and love.

Days spent there are always full of laughter and there's no way to escape the contagious smiles of these kids. This little girl is Lucy... and she is one happy kid! Beautiful, too. She will brighten up even the most miserable person's day! Of that, I am sure.

The kids all got new clothes because their old ones were getting pretty worn out. It was so nice to see all the girls in their new bright flowery dresses. You could tell that they felt pretty and lovely and wanted you to notice. Which we all did.

There's something so peaceful about HBF. Maybe it's the beautiful scenery that surrounds it. Maybe it's the quiet sounds of nature that are always playing in the background. But I think it's more because of the incredible joy that covers the home. God has touched this orphange and blessed it immensely. His love is pouring out on these kids and just by stepping foot on the soil surrounding the compound, you can feel it too.

hope to the hopeless and a change of plans...

2009-09-25T13:53:00.005-04:00

izeHope to the hopeless --

On Monday, we packed up 16,000 lbs. of maize and 6,000 lbs. of beans for two food distributions in Mali Saba and Shimo. Along with the food distributions, we would also be doing a medical clinic in each place...

Tuesday was Mali Saba. When we drove up, with our two trucks full of sacks of maize and beans and three taxis, we were greeted by a large crowd of widows, grandmothers and children all excited to receive probably the only food they would have for weeks and get medical treatment that they otherwise would never receive. There was such an air of thankfulness and joy in the small plot of land overlooking a beautiful view of the Kenyan hills. I immediately knew that it was going to be a good day. And when a little boy named Jeff, who had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, attached himself to me for the entire day... I was in heaven.
Once the medical clinic was set up inside, we began the food distribution. As each family got their food we prayed for them. At first I was nervous because I'm not usually fan of praying out loud, especially in front of and for people I don't know... but something came over me that day and I was able to pray for every woman with sincerity and clarity. It was an experience that I will always look back on and see the Holy Spirit moving in me.
Once the distribution was finished, the medical clinic began in full swing. I was at the front table registering people. Derick was translating for us as we asked them their name, age and what their problem was. The saddest and happiest thing for me that day was when a baby with clubbed feet was brought in.. sad for obvious reasons, but happy because the baby was only two days old and already he was given a chance to get his feet fixed. Without the clinic, the mother would not have had enough money to get the surgery required to correct them. It's small things like that that make everything worth while.
The building we were in was a simple rectangle of bricks with holes for doors and windows. The rooms were all empty, except for a covering of dust/dirt and some cow/goat/donkey poop... and yes, were doing a medical clinic is these conditions. What other choice do we have? This is Africa.
We were able to treat over 350 people during that clinic.

After that day, I was excited to see what the next day at Shimo would bring. I had heard that Shimo was a bit of a rougher area than Mali Saba and that we might run into some problems but I thought everyone was exaggerating and being paranoid. They weren't.
When we first stepped onto the school compound where we would be doing the distribution and clinic, I felt the oppression hit me like a brick wall. The Enemy was at work in this place and I could feel it weighing down on me. The distribution started easily enough, but I could tell that my prayers were not as sincere or heart-felt as they were at Mali Saba. And then, as real as if someone has punched me in the chest, I lost my breath and my train of thought. I was suddenly confused. But I didn't know what I was confused about. Everything seemed to be going fine. We were very organized, but all the sudden I had no idea what was going on. I started looking around and noticed that the rest of the interns were also looking a bit lost. It was then that Daniel came over to us and asked us if any of us had just felt a spirit of confusion. What had happened was three men entered the compound and began taking sacks of food off of our pile and started "helping" the widows to carry them. They were not part of our team and they weren't supposed to be there. They brought a major spirit of confusion to our distribution. We stopped everything, got the men to leave and gathered together to pray. The rest of the distribution went off without a hitch. The spiritual warfare was very evident in Shimo but thankfully we were able to rebuke it in the power of Jesus' name and continue doing what we were there to do. Provide hope to the hopeless. The medical clinic at Shimo ended up treating over 530 people. If that's not incredible, I don't know what is.

Those two days taught me a lot. Each place had a different lesson, but both were necessary.

Change of plans --

I've known for a long time that while I was here in Kenya, God would be healing me. Restoring me. Molding me into the best person I can be for his Kingdom. I knew that I would not be going home the same person I was when I left. I thought that I would be going home as that new person on November 30th.

God had other plans.

I knew that I couldn't go home until complete healing had been accomplished in my life. As the days and weeks went by, I knew that three months would not be enough. I prayed about staying four months, but did not feel peace about it. "How long then, God?" I asked Him in confusion. I had already applied for the spring semester of college. I planned on being home for Christmas and New Years and attending Millersville in January. "Six months," was the answer.
"But God, I can't... I didn't plan for six months. I'm going to school. I'll miss Christmas with my family!"
"Six months."
"Are you sure? Can't I just do four? Then I can be home in time for Christmas and start school in January. Four months is longer than three, you must mean for me to just stay four months. Not six. That's way too long. That's half a year, God! What do you possibly need to fix in me that will take six months?"
"Forgiveness."

BAM.

"Okay, God. Six months. Gotcha. You were right... you always are."

And that's that. Six months in Kenya - orders of God himself.

The past two days...

2009-09-18T08:57:00.004-04:00

The past two days have been, in one word, awesome!

On Thursday, some of us went to HBF to plant trees around the perimeter. Originally we were going to take a truck there because we had to pick up all the trees, but Daniel heard on the radio that morning that they were arresting anyone without a seat belt. This is Kenya and they can decide what rules to follow on whatever day they wish. Well, since there are no seat belts in a truck bed we had to go in a matatu. So around 9ish Scott, Nate, Mark, Jared, Julia, Steph (yes, there is another Stephanie in the internship program) and I left the compound to start the 25 minute walk into town to get a matatu. After spending a little while in town, Mark hired a matatu and we left for HBF. On the way we picked up almost 700 trees and stuffed them all in the matatu! Now keep in mind that these trees were just saplings so it's not like we had full grown redwoods hanging out in there, but still... 700 baby trees in a matatu full of people is a pretty funny sight. So once we arrived at HBF we unloaded all the trees and got situated. As we were loading some of the trees into the wheelbarrow (that ironically had no wheels) Mark told Nate and I to grab more of the green ones..... Nate and I looked at each other in confusion then looked at Mark. "Really, Mark? The green ones?" All the trees were green! Anyway, it was a good laugh. So then we started digging some holes! They don't use shovels. They use djembes. It's kind of like a hoe, except you use it differently... I'm not the best at explaining this kind of stuff but basically you just swing it down and make holes! Haha, use your imaginations because I can't do much better than that. It's hard work, but it's really fun and rewarding. I have four nice blisters on my hands and I love them because it's the result of a hard day's work.
After a couple hours, it hit me how much I was going against the culture. I asked if it was weird for Kenyans to see a woman doing this sort of work? In response, I was told, "yes, and you're white." The more I'm in this culture, the more I realize how much I love doing the men's work rather than the woman's work. Not that I don't enjoy cooking and cleaning, but it's just not as exciting or rewarding to me as working with my hands and doing manual labor. After planting almost all of the trees, it started to rain like it does every afternoon. This was the hardest rain I've seen yet here in Kenya. It was coming down sideways and the sound of it on the tin roof of HBF was almost deafening, but I never get tired of watching and listening to the rain.
The ride home was probably the funniest adventure I've had so far. We had to take piki piki's (motorcycles) part of the way and then get on a public matatu the rest of the way. We could only get three piki piki's. If you do the math, there was seven of us.. with only three motorcycles. So Nate, Mark and I squeezed onto one and everyone else had just two people on the back. So here we are, a Kenyan piki driver, Nate, me and Mark, holding on for dear life... well Mark was holding on for dear life, Nate and I were too squished in the middle to fall off... riding down a flooded mud road laughing hysterically because we know that we're a sight most Kenyans don't see everyday. Two white people in between two Kenyans. As Nate so perfectly said it, we were a double stuffed oreo. Then we get onto a public matatu and I'm sitting next to a older Kenyan woman who keeps looking at my legs because I was wearing capris that when sitting showed a bit of my knees, which is quite scandalous in this culture. So I was being judged very harshly, but what are you gonna do? The day ended successfully and it was definitely one of my favorites.

Today we mudded a hut at HBF. If you've never mudded a hut before you're missing out! First we had to get in a huge pit of mud and stomp around to make the mud the right consistency. After a couple face plants (accidentally and on purpose) and quite a few mud balls thrown around, we got out and started putting balls of mud about 6 inches across around a hut constructed of sticks. A lot of mud was thrown around and we were all sufficiently covered head to toe by the time we were finished. I could do that every day and be totally happy with my life! It was a lot of fun and seriously rewarding work. We basically built a house. Mud huts are the main living unit of families here in Kenya.
But now, onto the most important part of the day... the eating contest. The other day Andrew saw me finish a whole dish on food at lunch. The food here is very filling and they give you huge portions, so me finishing a whole plate was a pretty big deal. He decides to challenge me to an eating contest next time we were at HBF. So today at lunch, after hours of taunting each other and psyching ourselves up, it was finally time. Lunch today was a mixture of potatoes, greens, beans and maize. Basically, a huge pile of extremely filling carbs and starches. We made sure our portions were even and started to eat. The first plate went down pretty easy, I finished before him but this was a contest of quantity not speed so we got a second plate. I was showing no signs of weakness but Andrew was beginning to struggle. At first I thought he was faking and just trying to get me to let my guard down... but then I realized that he was actually getting full. Surprisingly, I was not. I always knew I could eat a lot, but two plates of Kenyan food seemed like an impossible task even for me. But two plates went down and neither of us were ready to call it quits just yet. So a third plate was started. Still not showing or feeling any signs of weakness, I finished the third plate strong and ready to keep going! Andrew on the other hand... was not looking so good. Haha, so to wrap up this wonderful story... I won. I even finished another half of a plate while Andrew watched in amazement. I don't think he understands how I could possibly have eaten that much food, but my level of food consumption is a mystery no one will ever solve. Mom and Dad, these are the times you should be proud to call me your daughter :)

Sleepy...

2009-09-16T11:01:00.003-04:00

My thoughts are sort of scattered right now but I wanted to write a blog so here goes nothing...

I stayed at the compound today instead of going out to the Neema project because I knew that I needed a day to rest. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I've been waking up in the middle of the night almost every night. I took a long nap and I'm still tired but I feel a little better. I'm also trying to ward off some sickness that I feel creeping in so I'm glad I stayed back today, even if it did mean missing a day with the girls.

On Friday we're helping to mud a hut at HBF. I'm actually really excited. I have a secret love of playing in the mud so constructing a house out of it should be pretty awesome.

We went to In Step yesterday. That place never stops amazing me. The children are beautiful and so happy. There have a baby girl there who I would swear is the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. I didn't get a picture of her this time, but next week I'll be sure to upload one to my blog. The craziest thing about being there and looking at all the little faces is that every single one of them was not wanted by their mothers. Most were abandoned in the hospital soon after being born, some left on the streets, in fields, trash cans and toilets. Without In Step, 68 children would most likely be dead right now. Praise God for this ministry.

I wish I could write more but truly my mind is just not functioning properly. I can't seem to narrow down my thoughts well enough to write them out. I think it's going to be an early night for me tonight. I definitely need to get some more sleep.

Purpose, proposals & poaring rain.

2009-09-13T05:17:00.005-04:00

There's been one question bouncing around in my head for the past week.

"What is my purpose?"

Why am I here? What can I do to help these people? How can I be a blessing to my fellow interns? Who I am in Christ? What should I be doing right now?

I want to find my niche here. I want to discover what impact I can make during this season of my life. I've always said, even before coming to Kenya, that my only goal in life is to know that I have changed one person's life for the better. Just one person and that is enough for me. I don't care who and I don't care how. I want God to work through me and for Him to get all the glory.

On Saturday morning I was sitting outside in the beautiful yard at the TI compound reading Scripture and I came across two verses in Ephesians that answered every question I had been wondering about.

"In Him, we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will." - Ephesians 1:11

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10

PREDESTINED... PREPARED IN ADVANCE...

How comforting it is to know that even when we have no clue what we are doing, God knows! He's had it planned out since before we were born and it will all happen in His perfect timing. All we need to do is commit it to prayer and listen for His voice. When it's time, I know that I'll understand clearly what I am to do to benefit the people of Kenya, Transformed International, and myself.

So now for some of what's been going on in this adventure...

The other day we walked into town to get some clothes for the HBF children. It was a really crowded day in town and the harassment we received was more than I've ever experienced. It's tough being white, it's tough being a woman, and it's really tough being a white woman. You get a lot of marriage proposals from random men on the side of the road. It can get pretty frustrating. It's not easy being a freak. There's times I find myself thinking "I really wish I was a Kenyan right now so people would leave me alone and let me shop." But it's all a part of the experience and you just need to know how to respond (which is usually to just ignore it).

Yesterday we went to HBF. It's always a good day at that place. I'm in love with every single child in that home and nothing makes me happier than to see them smile and laugh. But yesterday was especially awesome. It poured down rain! There is nothing as amazing as dancing and playing in the rain. We all got soaked to the bone and so muddy! But even afterwards when the rain stopped and we were all wet, dirty and shivering, I knew that if I had to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat. It was the most joy I've experienced yet here in Kenya. Sometimes I think we worry to much about our clothes, hair, makeup, etc. and don't realize how much fun could be had by jumping in a huge puddle of mud that may or may not include some cow poop...
Cow poop puddles aside, having a puddle splash fight with the kids during a true African rainstorm will forever be one of my favorite memories.

In the aftermath of our day at HBF, a lot of us realized that we REALLY need to do some laundry. Now laundry isn't as easy here as we're all used to... it's all by hand. If doing my own laundry doesn't give me a huge respect for the Kenyans then I don't know what will because it is NOT simple. I'm never complaining about doing laundry with a machine ever again. But although it was hard work, it's also very rewarding. There's something special about seeing your own hands produce something, whether it's farming, cleaning, washing dishes or doing laundry. It's just that sense of accomplishment that most of us don't get a chance to experience because of all the technology and machinery that does so much work for us these days.

Well, I'm going to go eat some grilled cheese now but I'll leave you with yet another verse from Ephesians that may very well be one of my new favorites...

"FOR YOU WERE ONCE DARKNESS, BUT NOW YOU ARE LIGHT IN THE LORD. LIVE AS CHILDREN OF LIGHT." -Ephesians 5:8

In Him,
Stephanie

Random thoughts...

2009-09-08T06:02:00.002-04:00

-It's really strange being a rarity. Not even a minority. A rarity! There are VERY FEW white people here in Kitale. It's interesting to be stared at as if you're some sort of celebrity.

-All kids are the same! No matter what country they were born in or what culture/religion/socioeconomic status they will grow up in, children are children and they love to be held and play and run around and laugh! I think that's awesome.

-Being a woman in this culture is tough. Especially being a white woman. It restricts a lot of what is safe for us to do and that can be very frustrating.

-It's hard to see the street kids in town. I want to help them but they don't want to help themselves so there's not much I can do. There's a lot of programs where they can get food and a place to sleep but they would rather live on the streets, beg for money and sniff their glue. Go to www.glueboys.com to learn more about these kids. Glue Boys is a documentary that was filmed right here in Kitale. Some of the boys in the video I have seen and spoken to. My heart breaks for them.

-As an intern, my experience has been very different than as just a visitor. As great as it was to come with a group for a short period of time, I'm liking the internship a lot more. I like that we're not rushed to fit everything into only 10 days. We have three whole months to see and experience everything.

-Adoption is still very heavy on my heart and I know that someday I will adopt a baby from Africa.

-Living in Kenya is easier for me than living in America. I don't know what that means and to be completely honest it scares me a little bit. I love my home and my family but I'd be lying if I said it won't be near impossible to leave here when that time comes.

A miracle.

2009-09-06T03:34:00.004-04:00

This is Martin. The last time I was in Kenya he was not supposed to survive through the night. Martin was in the hospital with chicken pox, pneumonia and TB all while being HIV positive. He had just lost his older sister Veronica about a week earlier and it seemed as if everything was going against this little boy. We prayed for a miracle for Martin.

And a miracle is exactly what Martin got.

Yesterday Martin was running, playing and dancing with his friends at HBF. He ran up to me and wanted me to spin him around as I had with some of the other children. His smiles and laughter was enough to make this entire trip worth while. I got a chance to hold a truly miraculous child. As I carried Martin around for a while, I was in awe of just how powerful and amazing God really is. This precious boy was going to die. The only hope he had was a miracle from Jesus. Seeing him yesterday, I would never have guessed he was the same boy we spent hours desperately praying for to keep him alive for just one more night. Except for the scars left by his chicken pox, it was as if he was a whole new child.

My belief in God's power to heal had increased immensely because of Martin's miracle.

Back in Kenya!

2009-09-04T10:56:00.002-04:00

Okay, I want to write a crazy long blog. I really, really do! But it's almost time for dinner and I just got my computer up and running so there's not much time to write all that I want to write.

Just a quick update. We got into Kitale yesterday and it is soooo great to be back. I was surprised at how much I remembered from a month ago. We went into town today to just walk around and exchange some money and I was reminded of how much I love this place! I feel so comfortable here. Which is weird because it's a totally different culture from our own but I can't even explain it.. I just feel like it fits with me.

Really though, I can smell the beef stew cooking in the kitchen and it's almost ready so I have to stop there! We're going to the orphanage tomorrow though so I will have a full update for you within the next couple of days.

Keep the team, the Kenyans, and TI in your prayers!

Kenya tomorrow!

2009-08-31T10:50:00.003-04:00

Well, the time has come. After a month of anticipation and preparation, I'm going back to Kenya for a three month internship with Transformed International. My plane takes off tomorrow at 6:15pm for London where I'll meet up with most of the other interns and people on the fall team for TI. We'll arrive in Nairobi, Kenya on Wednesday night. Then comes an eight hour bus ride from Nairobi to Kitale. After all the travel, I'll finally be back in the place that I found myself... where I discovered who I really am, what I love to do and who I desire to be.

I'll be honest and say that I am a little nervous. It's not something you do every day... live in a third world country in Africa for three months. I know it's what I'm meant to be doing and it's what I want to be doing, but is it ever what I thought I'd be doing? Not at all.

Six months ago, if you asked me what I'd be doing right now, on this day, I'd say that I would be freshly moved into an apartment on top of a sandwhich shop on Main Street in Kutztown. I would be starting classes tomorrow and most likely be... tired... from the night before. Six months ago, if you told me I would be spending an entire semesters worth of time in Kenya, I would have told you that I wish that could be true but that I already signed a lease for my apartment and already planned out my classes for the semester so there's no way I'll be going to Africa. The truth is though that I never saw myself living in that apartment. I couldn't imagine it in the way that my roommates were imaging it. I wasn't excited about it. A part of me that I never talked about was dreading it, fearing it, and wishing I could avoid it all together. I knew I would never be happy at Kutztown, living the way I was living.

The best thing that ever happened to me was also the worst.

It provided me with a way out. It provided me with a way back to God and ultimately back to happiness. It destroyed me. It broke me. It SAVED me.

Now here I am, six months later, packed and ready to go to Kenya for three months. Packed and ready for my life to change even more. Packed and ready for an experience of a lifetime!

The things that got me to this place were not pretty. I wandered a long time in the darkness before I could get here and it took the biggest regret of my life to launch me back into the arms of Jesus. I'm not proud of who I was or how I acted, but I am proud of who I am and what I'm now doing. I'm not the same person I was six months ago. I know that's hard for some people to understand or believe and I hope that the people I hurt can forgive me for what I did to them. I was wrong. I was foolish. I was selfish. And I'm so glad to be as far away from my old life as possible.

So... now it's time to stop procrastinating and get some last minute things done!

I'll be keeping up with my blog while I'm in Kenya so keep checking back for updates!! :)

I wouldn't have it any other way.

2009-08-23T14:45:00.006-04:00

There's one thing that God has been pounding into my heart the past few weeks... and that's to love Him with EVERYTHING! Wholeheartedly, fully, completely, with my whole life. I knew He was trying to get me to understand what that meant but I just wasn't really grasping the concept. It was being thrown at me in books, music, teachings... but still, I couldn't understand what it meant to live your life 100% for Jesus.

Today, I was reading a book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan about being overwhelmed by a relentless God who loves us SO much. In a chapter titled 'profile of the lukewarm' he explains how to not be a "lukewarm Christian" and how to do just what God has been trying to get me to do... love Him fully. It was starting to sink in finally and then I read something that really made it click. The author says that when he was in high school he seriously considered joining the Marines after seeing all of those "the few, the proud, the Marines" commercials. He goes on to say that what turned him off to this idea was that in those advertisements, everyone was always running and he hates to run. So obviously, his plan of possibly joining the Marines ended. He didn't bother to enlist, get to boot camp and ask if they could please alter the rules for him so he could do fewer push-ups and be allowed to run less than everyone else. He knew that it would have been stupid and pointless because when you join the Marines, you do what they say and if you don't like it then you shouldn't have joined in the first place because you obviously weren't ready to make that commitment. He explains that this concept should cross over into our thinking about Christian life. Jesus didn't say to us, "Become a Christian and I'll let you do whatever you'd like. I won't push you to do anything outside of your comfort zone. It'll be smooth sailing and you'll get awesome rewards just for saying you believe in me." NO! He said, "Take up your cross and follow me." We can't join the Marines, or make a whole-hearted decision to follow Jesus without having to do any work. Neither of those things are promised to be easy. I know a Marine who would call me at night, totally exhausted after a long day of seriously tough training. He'd say how much it sucked and would throw in a few choice words to describe the details of his day. But whenever I would ask him if he was happy about his decision to join the Marines, I ALWAYS got a response like this.. "Oh yeah, I love it! I wouldn't want to be doing anything else."

The same should be said about Christian living... "I love it! I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! No matter how hard it gets, no matter how discouraging it can be at times, no matter how tiring some days can be.. I wouldn't want to be living any other way!" I just love that! I love that Jesus didn't promise us butterflies and rainbows when we choose to believe and trust in him. That would be a pretty boring life, wouldn't it? Everything perfect all the time... no thanks. I like a little adventure. I enjoy disappointments because that forces me to seek out God even more. He wants us to experience His glory and awesome power. If our lives were perfect, how would we ever know the glory of God? So bring on the three mile runs and ten mile marches to test my endurance, bring on the sit-ups and pull-ups to test my strength, bring on the drill instructors yelling in my face telling me what I'm doing wrong... because I love this life and I wouldn't have it any other way!

2009-08-16T13:26:00.006-04:00

I'm missing the kids a lot today. I don't think I've ever felt joy in such abundance in any place other than when surrounded by the children of Kenya.

I'm feeling incredibly full today though and I think that God's really doing something amazing. One of my major flaws in my walk with Christ is my need to plan and understand what's going on... but lately I'm starting to enjoy letting go of all that and giving it to God. I have no idea what's going to happen when I go back to Kenya and that's strangely comforting. Just knowing that right now, in this moment, I'm doing what I'm meant to do is awesome and it's something that I haven't felt in a very long time.

I think that so many people are afraid to take that extra step in faith and fully commit yourself to God's will because they think that they'll have to give up so much of what they think makes them happy in life. What they don't realize is that - yes, things will be taken out of your life but SO MUCH MORE will be put in and it will all be GOOD things and things that will make you happy in ways you couldn't have even imagined before. Whatever is taken out of your life by Jesus is not something that you will miss. It's things that kept you away from Him and it's things that were put in your life by the enemy to lead you astray in one way or another. I hit rock bottom in my life not too long ago and was as far from God as I had ever been and in one week my life changed. One weekend I was living my way and the next weekend I was sitting in a room with a group of people who shared my dream in going to Kenya and finally, after three years of my way, I felt myself living in God's way and it was the best feeling I've ever felt.

I can't wait to get back to Kenya and live my life the way God planned.

For I know the plans I have for you...

2009-08-09T20:36:00.002-04:00

Have you ever heard news that just about shattered your world? All the sudden everything you had planned, everything you had hoped for is destroyed in a matter of minutes? The life you thought you would live, the life you thought God wanted you to live is no more? It could be anything... a death, losing a job, a pregnancy, a betrayal, an act of sin... but whatever it is, it turns your life upside down and you feel like nothing you could have done would have prepared you for this. I think that it's in those times, through those things, that God truly wants us to hear Him say "your plans are not my plans and my plans are so much better! Trust me!" Jeremiah 29:11 says that He knows the plans for us, plans to prosper us and keep us safe and give us HOPE and a FUTURE. So many times, I try to convince myself that my plans are totally God's plans and when they don't work out, I'm confused because I can't understand how I could have been so wrong. Then I hear Him say "they weren't ever my plans, they were all yours," and I'm struck with conviction as I realize that OF COURSE they were my plans all along, it was all what I wanted and I didn't even stop to think that it might not be what God had planned.
I think that a lot of us get into the habit of assuming that every "good" plan we make for our lives is a part of God's plan. We think that just because no harm could come from this thing that we want that God must want it for us too. We couldn't be more wrong! Recently, some news put a little kink into my plans. Although I know that the ultimate plan is God's because it's been revealed to me in many ways after years and years of prayer, some of the details of this plan have been greatly and extremely altered in ways that I didn't even think to consider. My life is no longer looking the way I thought it would and although I can't help but be slightly dissapointed and a bit upset, I know that everything will work out perfectly and my life will be more properous than I could have ever dreamed. I'm excited for what I don't even know yet! I'm excited to see how God will turn this into His perfect will for me! It's only by His grace and power that I am where I am today and I would be foolish to ever doubt that His hand is in my life and that He is protecting and guiding me every day. So if ever you find yourself wondering how God could have let something happen to you... remember, His plans are ALWAYS good and He is ALWAYS with you.

22(ish) days until Kenya!
<3

Home is where the heart is... but where is home?

2009-08-08T01:05:00.003-04:00

Okay, it's gone from missing Kenya.. to needing Kenya in a matter of days. I love The United States, I really do but there's just something about it that doesn't sit right with me since I've been back. There's something missing from this country that doesn't make it feel like home anymore. It's like I left a piece of myself in Kenya and I won't feel whole again until I'm back there. Maybe all this is just coming from the weird few days I've been having and the serious tests of faith I'm being put through but maybe I really just need to be in Kenya at this point in my life. I felt so at peace while I was there and I crave that here at home, but I can't seem to find it anywhere.

On September 1st, I leave for Kenya. On November 30th, I leave for The United States. I pray that at some time between those two dates, I figure out which place really has my heart.

Adjusting to life at home in America

2009-08-02T16:21:00.002-04:00

I've been home for almost a week now and it's getting harder every day. I miss Kenya. I miss the kids. I miss the friends I made there. I miss the landscapes and the sunrises. I miss the fellowship I had every morning. I miss the smells (surprisingly). And I miss Daniel's coffee making skills.

I'll be going back on September 1st and spending the following three months as an intern for Transformed International... growing in faith, loving the people and being a light in the darkness. I'll be with a whole new group of people and although I'll miss my original "Kenya team," I know that this new team will be awesome and I can't wait to get to know them all. I learned a lot during my two weeks in Africa but I think that the thing I will hold on to most and carry with me in life is the importance of fellowship and friendships in Christ. I look forward to becoming even closer with my original Kenya team from Providence and also the new friendships that I'll develop with the other interns and team members in the fall.

I'd love to write more but I'm running a little empty on thoughts at the moment. I'll write more about the last few days of our trip and about adjusting to life back at home in the next couple weeks.

God Bless <3

Babies!

2009-07-22T10:58:00.003-04:00

I'm adopting a Kenyan baby. It's been decided. I'm bringing one home next week. There's no turning back.

Okay fine, so maybe not next week but someday I will be stepping off a plane with an African child in my arms.

We went to the In Step Baby Center today where they have 63 kids, most under the age of 3, who were abandoned or orphaned. It's an amazing facility and the managers of it are am American couple from Washington named Jeff and Carla. What a God send they are to these children. The kids are unbelievably adorable and most of them have such tragic stories. Thankfully they were found and rescued and not left to die like so many children are. It's hard to imagine how a mother could give birth to her baby and then just leave them out in a cornfield or a toilet or in an abandoned house. God has blessed this baby center so much! It's incredible how many miracles He's done to give Jeff and Carla the money and materials that they need to run the home. The pictures are precious! There's some that Daniel took up on my facebook now if you want to see.

Short blog tonight. It's dinner time. Taco's ;)

In His Name,

Stephanie

I feel the rains down in Africa...

2009-07-21T09:16:00.003-04:00

We spent some more time with the Neema girls today. They're incredibly sweet. It's hard to believe that not long ago most of them were selling themselves for twenty five cents on the streets. I'm just praising God that they were able to have an alternative to that lifestyle.

We just got back from down the street where a young British woman and her Kenyan husband take care of over 20 abandoned babies. SOOO CUTE! I'm going back there as much as I possibly can when I come back here for three months in the fall. They're up for adoption and if I was in any position to adopt a kid right now, I'd be bringing on those bundles of love home with me right now.

It's been really nice knowing that I'll be coming back in a month. I'm not so sad when we leave certain places because I know that I'll be able to see the people or the places again eventually. It's been hard for a lot of the people in my group because they hate leaving the children's homes. They know that chances are they will never see them again. I consider myself lucky to have an oppurtunity to come back and spend more time with everyone.

Okay, time to read and possibly take a nap during this African rain storm :)
It's been raining a lot, and it's kinda chilly sometimes. It's winter here and they dress like it's -15 degrees. It's hysterical, because it's actually around 75 most days. They seriously wear winter coats and hats and the kids are bundled up like they're about to get on a plane to Alaska. It's too cute.

Love,
Stephanie

Don't take it for granted!

2009-07-20T10:45:00.004-04:00

As the initial high of the trip begins to wear off, I find myself becoming very comfortable here in Kenya. At first, every sight and sound was a culture shock but now chickens, cows and goats running around in the street doesn't even catch my attention anymore, nor does mountains of trash all over the place due to the lack of a trash service. Riding on the back of a bicycle driven by a Kenyan man going so fast that everything to your left and right becomes a blur seems totally normal and cramming 5 girls in the back seat of van is expected. The roads here are so bad that they are honestly comical. Even the drivers laugh at the size and frequency of the pot holes as they are forced to drive off of the side of the road to get around them (Mom, Dad, Mike and Doug.. just imagine that road in Maine except 10x worse and it's not just one road, it's every road!). I have now come to realize that you must not get attached to any of the animals in the yard because they will most likely become dinner at some point. The Kenyan culture is so different from our own back in America. Women are very conservative and no men here are to be trusted unless they have proved themselves worthy. You are not to even smile at a man on the street because they take that as an offer... yeah, it's exactly what you think. It takes some getting used to but I'm really growing to appreciate some of the values that they hold. So many of these people have close to nothing compared to us. The very nicest homes here might be considered lower middle class in the States, yet they appreciate everything that they have and don't take it for granted. We could learn a lot from the people of Kenya. I see now just how spoiled America is and how much we need to learn to appreciate every day that God gives us, not just the material items that we possess. I wish that every American and citizen of a first world nation can some day experience this culture and finally realize just how lucky they are to live in such a wealthy country! Even here at the Transformed International compound, which is a very nice place compared to most other homes, we still experience the third world consequences. Just today, I was in the shower and the power went off and the water became ice cold because the heater that we have to turn on to get hot water shut down. The toilets don't flush unless you use a stick to push it down! The water isn't safe to drink so we have to boil it or use bottled water. This is a nice, expensive, higher class compound.. just imagine what the people in the villages have to go through. They don't even have showers or toilets or a stable roof over their heads. They have a tub of water, a hole in the ground and a piece of tin.

So, basically what I'm trying to say is.. stop complaining. Unless you're living on one meal of corn and beans a day and live in a house with mud walls, don't complain. God has blessed you by giving you the opportunity to be born in such a rich nation. Don't take it for granted. You don't know what it is to be poor, or hungry, or thirsty. You know what it is to be wealthy, something that a majority of these people will never experience! Don't feel guilty for what God has given you, but don't feel sorry for yourself because you don't drive a BMW or live in Beverly Hills either.

It's hard to see such joy amidst such poverty here in Kenya knowing that there is such misery amidst such wealth back in America. We need to learn how to be happy without material things! Be happy that you have a family who loves you! That you're healthy! That you can go to school! That you have nice roads to drive on! Just be happy that you live in America! Seriously, we need to stop taking it for granted.

Wow, I need to take a deep breath and calm down now ;)

Time for dinner. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. No chicken murdering tonight! Yay!

In His Name,
Stephanie

In the Name of Jesus..

2009-07-19T15:09:00.003-04:00

Life changing day. Emotional day. Day of restoration and hope.

The Lord is amazing.

In His Love,

Stephanie

Cheka mrembo!

2009-07-18T14:55:00.003-04:00

Today was an emotional day. Last Tuesday a 9 year old girl in the Hope, Bright Future orphanage passed away. She was HIV positive and got chicken pox which took her life. Her funeral was today and we all had a chance to be a part of it by comforting the children in the loss of their friend Veronica. Right before Veronica was to be laid in the ground, a little girl named Emily came to me and reached out her hand to me. I held her hand and walked her over to the grave. She was quiet but she looked up at me and smiled a few times. She was absolutely beautiful. When we were standing there she began to cry and put her arms around me. All she wanted was to be hugged and comforted and I was so glad to be able to do that for her. She had such a sweet personality and I was instantly drawn to her spirit.
After the funeral, we went back to HBF and played with the kids. Oh my goodness, I love those children! They are so wonderful and FILLED WITH LOVE! They adore getting their picture taken and all of them rush over to you and smile when they see you with a camera. I could honestly sit here and talk about them for hours, but I feel like words can't do justice to their unbelievable hearts. I can't wait to show you pictures so that you can hopefully feel even a portion of the compassion and love that I feel for them. I cannot wait to be able to come back here and spend every Saturday with them for three months and get to know them better.

Okay so now for some Kenya moments!

-Today we fit 40 people in a Matatu! Matatu's are a type of van that has four rows of seats that is SUPPOSED to fit a maximum of 14 people! And we had 40! Granted over half of them were children, but still.... 40 people in a 14 person van. 14 person maximum, they only have 11 actual seats! But the thing about Kenya road laws.. there are no Kenya road laws. We were going (if I had to venture a guess) about 50mph, wearing no seat belts, down a wet road, honking at people and cows and dogs and other cars to get out of the way. I know that my parents and grandmom are reading this now and probably freaking out, but don't worry.. it's totallllly safe. Haha, okay it's not totally safe, but it is totally Kenya!
-We lose electricity at random times. So today, Leslie was showering and all the sudden, darkness and "AHHH!". Later on, we were all closing our day with prayer and right as Daniel said "Lord...", darkness. At that point though, we were all pretty used to it so the praying continued as if nothing happened and the lights came back on in a few minutes.
-I learned some new Swahili words in the past few days! 'Cheka' means "smile" or "laugh" so whenever we take a picture with the kids I love saying "CHEKA! CHEKA!" and they immediately burst out with these huge, gorgeous smiles. And perhaps my favorite Swahili word so far is 'mrembo' (kind of pronounced like "mah rainbow"). It means "beautiful one." It will definitely be my most used word while I'm in Kenya. Every girl here is mrembo and I will tell each and every one of them until they believe it's true.

Cheka mrembo! Smile beautiful one!

In His Name,
Stephanie

HELLO FROM KENYA!!

2009-07-17T14:35:00.002-04:00

I'm finally here! After what felt like a week of traveling, we got into Nairobi around 5:30am on Thursday morning. We got a nice breakfast and had some awesome, very much needed coffee and then we were off to the slums.

Nothing will ever fully prepare you to see such despair and poverty and I had trouble even comprehending what I was driving through. It felt like I was just watching a movie and that I wasn't actually experiencing it first hand. It took a while to sink in. When we got to the one school in the Soweto slums we first spoke to the man who runs it. While he was standing there in this open area telling us about what he does, the one thing that stuck out in my mind was him saying "Soweto, in Swahili, means 'trouble' but there is no trouble here." And he was right. There was such joy that it was hard to remember that these children live on barely one meal a day. I won't even begin to describe my interactions with the children. Only the pictures can do that justice and I can't wait to share them with you all. They are beautiful and they have amazing smiles!

After then visiting the slums in Kibera, we drove back to the hotel (remind me to explain the driving in Kenya to you all when I get back), got some dinner and called it a night. That first night of sleeping in a real bed after days of airplanes and airport benches was AWESOME!

Today we woke up early and got on a bus to start an 8 hour drive to Kitale, where we'll be staying for the rest of the time. I can't wait to see what God has planned for all of us and so far everything has been absolutely unbelievable and filled and fueled by God's love.

I'll try to update you all as much as possible and hopefully share some more details and funny/powerful experiences that I'm having in Kenya. But right now, I'm tired and I want to sleep! Goodnight!

Ready to go!

2009-07-13T18:04:00.004-04:00

Well I'll be getting on a plane in a little over 12 hours to start my adventure in Kenya. I can't believe that after all these months, I'm finally almost there. My packing has been coming along pretty well. I'm almost positive that I'll forget at least one important thing, but half the fun of an adventure is being unprepared in some way. God has come through in some amazing ways these past couple weeks and the team could not be more grateful for His awesome power in all of this.

People have been asking me for the past few days if I'm getting excited or nervous and to be honest, I'm not really feeling either of those things.. I'm just READY! Of course I'm excited! And of course I'm a bit nervous, but above all I am truly just ready to go! I'm ready to see what God is going to do in my heart and how He is going to use me to affect others. The past six months haven't been easy for me. I haven't always done the right thing and I'm ready for my life to change.

Pray for the team, for the Kenyans we'll be working with, for our travel, our health and our hearts!

See you in two weeks!!

2009-07-09T23:59:00.002-04:00

Hello! Long time, no blog.

Kenya is quickly approaching. Only four more days! I've started packing but haven't gotten too much accomplished yet. I'm nervous I'm going to forget something and knowing me, I probably will.

I had a pretty good night last night. I got to spend some time with a person who I wasn't expecting to speak to again for a very long time. Misunderstandings and miscommunications can really put a strain on a relationship so it was nice to finally get a chance to clear things up before we both go our seperate ways for a while. It's hard when something you never planned for gets in the way of what you've always wanted. But everything serves a purpose and even your biggest regrets in life can lead you into your greatest accomplishments.

2009-06-15T23:08:00.000-04:00

Today was a pretty boring day. I feel like a lot of my days have been pretty boring lately. I haven't been doing the things I want to do.. mostly because of laziness. I should really work on that.

Michael graduated high school on the 12th. That was pretty crazy. In my mind he's still a hyper-active 12 year old kid with a goofy smile running around the kitchen screaming obnoxiously. Now he's graduated high school and actually starting to act like a semi-mature guy. It's kinda cool. We've gotten a lot closer since I went to college and I like that we're able to talk about things now. He's becoming a best friend, which is what I always felt brothers and sisters should be, so that's pretty awesome. I'm really proud of him and he has a lot of potential. He's a good kid, he's got a good head on his shoulders and I really think he'll do some great things in life.

Well, short one for today.. I'm going to try and get to sleep early tonight.

L-O-V-E

2009-06-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately.

"Love is paitent, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseverse." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

I just love that verse.

That's all.

Dolores, the Kenya team & Harry Potter

2009-06-08T23:29:00.000-04:00

It's days like this that really show me how powerful and awesome God is and how much He can accomplish in such a short period of time. My day didn't exactly start off perfect. I didn't get much sleep last night so I woke up around 10:00 feeling pretty tired. I went to the gym and when I left my car wouldn't start. She has this thing about not starting when it's really hot outside. So that was a little frustrating but I'm used to it since it happens quite a bit in the summer. Poor Dolores is just getting old. She's 15, which has got to be at least 65 in car years. She eventually started up a few hours later.. after I had to call my mom for a ride home.

But anyway, now on to the good part of my day. The team I'm going to Kenya with in July all got together and had dinner and it was just absolutely amazing. I had a chance to really start to get to know these people on a deeper level and each and every one of them has so much to share and offer. I'm really excited to see what God is going to do with all of us in Kenya and how He's going to transform us and show us His love. There's just so much potential for all of us to better ourselves and really experience change and growth throughout this whole experience. He answered so many of my prayers just in this one night and it really refueled my passion for Him, for Kenya and for life in general. Hearing the testimonies and stories of the people on the team helped me in knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles and that God can really do some amazing things in people's lives.

Well, it's time for some sleepytime tea and Harry Potter. I'm on my 4th re-read of those books and they just never get old. I'm such a dork and I am not at all ashamed of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% STOKED to be going to Kenya this July... but when I found out that HP and the Half Blood Prince was going to be coming out the day after I leave, I was honestly bummed that I wouldn't be able to go to the midnight premiere and wear my Hogwarts scarf and Gryffindor track jacket and be a total nerd around hundreds of other total nerds. But it's okay, there's always the 7th movie.. parts 1 & 2! :)

Not walking alone...

2009-06-05T01:16:00.001-04:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I recently wrote out that verse, along with a few others, and taped it up on my wall in front of my computer. I guess it just helps remind me that I'm not in this alone and no matter how out of hand things seem to be getting, God is always in control. He already has my whole life mapped out. He knows what I'll be doing tomorrow, next month & ten years from now and His plans are always GOOD. I won't ever be lost when I'm walking with Jesus... and I am definately done walking around alone and lost in the dark.

2009-06-01T04:14:00.000-04:00

It's 4:15am and I'm wide awake. This is pretty frustrating for me because I purposely went to bed early tonight in an attempt to finally get a good night of sleep. I woke up at 1:30 after only being asleep for 4 hours. Not exactly my idea of a restful slumber. I'm trying to look on the bright side and maybe use this time to get some things done but to be completely honest... I really just want to be able to go back to sleep :/

2009-05-27T00:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back in PA. North Carolina was awesome, even though it rained for the first four days. When the sun finally came out, we spent every waking moment on the beach.. which explains the sunburn. It was nice to get away for a while and spend some time with my friends. Now, I have Maine coming up on June 19th (for 10 days) and Kenya on July 14th (for two weeks).

When I got home, I checked my e-mail and saw a message from Transformed International letting me know that I will be going to Kenya this fall for the internship program! Most of you probably know about my heart for Africa and my long-time desire to travel there and interact with the children and people of the nation. It's been something that I've talked about openly with my friends and family and I'm happy to announce that, quite literally, my dreams are coming true.

My whole passion for Africa started with a dream. It was during my freshman year at college, some time in March, I had a dream where I was surrounded by African children all smiling and dancing and hugging me. I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, crying. I felt at that moment the Lord say "This is where your life will lead you." Since that night, I've never doubted that I would some day visit Africa and this oppurtunity is... I want to say unbelievable but nothing with God is unbelievable, so I'm going to go with AWESOME! My heart for Kenya was developed more recently, but just as profoundly. I was at Creation Festival this past summer and decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International. I went up to the tent and began looking at the faces of hundreds of little boys and girls. They all touched my heart, but only one grabbed it and took hold. His name is Jackson and he lives in a small village in Kenya. When I saw him, I felt God say "This one. He's yours," and just like that, Kenya engulfed my heart.

I know most of my friends don't fully understand my passion and heart for this country. I know it might seem crazy that I'm willingly giving up two weeks of my summer going to a place where I won't be able to take a long, hot shower every day and then take a semester off of school to go back for three more months. It's something that most 20 year olds don't exactly put down on their "to-do list" so I totally understand the reactions... "Wait, you're going where?!" and "Aren't you scared?" and my personal favorite.. "Dude, are you gonna be like living in a grass hut?" (just to clear things up, no.. I will not be living in a grass hut).

So, in conclusion to this lengthy blog - My life is changing, drastically, but I love that I can feel God in every decision I make and I know that all of this is what I'm meant to be doing.

2009-05-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

This is mostly for my school friends who I (unfortunately) won't see very much/at all this summer. I know some of you wanted me to keep you updated on my travels... so here you go! I'll let you know when interesting things happen, or when I just feel like filling you in on the mundane parts of my summer.

I'm leaving for the outer banks at midnight on Friday (well, Saturday technically) and I'll be there until Saturday the 23rd. It should be a fun week of beachin' it up and relaxing with my friends. It's my first ever serious vacation without any parents! I'm a big girl now.

Speaking of being a big girl, I have to go get my license renewed tomorrow... and who doesn't love the DMV?